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There comes a time in a girl’s life when she has to reach deep down into her soul, clear the pathways of her inner goddess, and let out her nuclear Satan.
Let me paint you a picture. It’s that time of the month; its shark week, as some may say. The civil war is being reenacted by your ovaries and death is scatted over your fallopian tubes. You’re crippled over in pain on your couch, half a Snickers bar hanging out of your mouth, a heating pad pressed against your innards, and a blanket wrapped around you as if you’re a cocktail wiener in a Pillsbury croissant. The Hallmark Channel is airing that Mario Lopez movie you’ve been dying to see and not because the plot looks good, but because you want to reminisce on your Saved by the Bell days. Mario
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Think of a three week old cantaloupe, shriveled up with a carrot poking out the top, that would be Johnny’s nut sac. He has some giant baby making balls, waiting to squirt on any lady egg that floats in his direction.
I prefer to call the lady Tooting Tanya. Alliterations make my tongue feel sparkly, but I accept the name Edith.
My dating repertoire revolves around rugged, more earthy men—please don’t mistake the word earthy for smelly; all men I date must delight my uterus with an attractive scent.
If my vagina could cough, it would cough up a cobweb and a note that read: “Just pick a dick and get on with it. A girl needs her salami every once in a while.”
I want to kick the arrogance right off his face with a snaggle foot…right after I lick his entire body and pee around him so everyone knows he’s mine.
might kick him in the gonads and then rub my cheek against his chest because that’s the kind of girl I am. Beat them and then treat them.
I crushed on him when he was a boy, but right now, I’m craving on him as a man.
It’s hard not to have feelings for a girl who can love so deeply, that’s Marley. She loves hard; I know firsthand.
“You know, you’re not supposed to shake the Polaroid,” Paul chimes in, his comment spreading a smile across my face. “According to a recent study that I read on CNN technology, shaking a Polaroid after it’s been conceived can actually distort the picture’s development process. In today’s technology, there is a white plastic that protects the film, so shaking to dry it is pointless. OutKast’s song about ‘shaking it like a Polaroid picture’ has actually done a disservice to the modern day Polaroid.”
You know, some people say a night was magical, and you think, oh really? Was it full of wizards and unicorns dancing together on clouds? No joke, if I saw a wizard and a unicorn jerking each other off that night I wouldn’t have looked twice, that’s how magical it was.
We’re supposed to be just friends, but if she ever gave me an inkling of anything more, I would hop on that train and ride her fucking caboose like I was the conductor.
I will forever be hers, no matter where her life leads her without me.
I can’t help but go all girl on him and call out, “What’s happening here?” Over his shoulder he says, “Exchanging souls with the Devil and dabbling in the forbidden. Don’t look into it, Marley, just know, you are better than I ever imagined.”
“Pretty sure my dick shriveled up and ate itself.” “Yeah, my vagina sewed itself shut.” “Glad we’re on the same page.”
I fell in love with my best friend’s little sister – there’s no denying it. I’ve loved her for years.
Women weren’t put on this earth to please us nor serve us. Women were formed to be companions, partners in crime, and compasses to guide us through right and wrong. They are here to be our rock, our best friend, and the one person we turn to in good times and bad.”
My love for Marley is strong enough for me to let her go; too bad my heart is still battered and bruised from the first time I said goodbye.
Every person needs to have a moment in their life of total insanity.
As a model citizen, one who’s picked up trash on the sidewalk and opened doors for elderly women who fart while they pass you, I deserve this moment. After everything I’ve been through in the last couple of days, I deserve to toss my sanity into the air for birds to crap on it. When you have that moment, you will know exactly what I’m talking about.
Everywhere I look on this farm, I see Marley. Escaping her is impossible when this is the place where I learned to love her.
