Planet Middle School: Helping Your Child through the Peer Pressure, Awkward Moments & Emotional Drama

by Kevin Leman

Expect the unexpected . . . and relax in between.

Give them room to grow and change.

Remember what your own middle-school years were like.

Sift through mood changes for the real reasons behind the emotion, and don’t take the mood switches personally.

In middle school, winning is all about fitting in with the peer group. This is the time when children are forming relationships outside the family and, in essence, creating their own world. That’s why friendships become more and more valuable to them. Being part of the group is a driving force and can push kids to do really dumb things. That’s why, parent, your kid will do anything to fit in, to be one of the important people at school. He’s playing the jungle game to win, because losers don’t survive.

Every time your middle-schooler heads to school, she is thinking, I hope today’s not my day to be gossiped about or taken down. Is it any wonder she might be a bit surly to you when she walks out the door for the bus or your car? After all, she’s steeling herself for battle and hoping she won’t be the one caught in the line of fire today.

Tell your child, “I know middle school is competitive. Everybody’s trying really hard to be noticed, to be popular. But I want you to know something. You’re unique, you’re special. You don’t have to become someone else to be appreciated around here. I love you as you are. If you’re going to compete for something, compete to be the good guy who is a friend to everybody and helps others. Then you don’t have to worry about who’s in the popular crowd and who’s not, since those positions will change fast anyway.” Your child may give you a nod or shrug, and you might not be sure he heard, but he did. Your words will come back to him when he needs them most.

Affirm Positive, Compassionate Behavior

Give Them Tools Twelve-year-old Shauna came home really upset when she saw a girl get picked on at school.

Want a change in your kid? Look at your home environment first.

Four Hot Tips for Parents Regarding the Internet Become proficient yourself. Talk with your kids about what they’re seeing, watching, and listening to. Be vigilant about checking the history button on your child’s computer. Be aware of your child’s body language when he’s using social media.

Why the ABCs—acceptance, belonging, and competence—are critical to keeping you and your child in the same stratosphere.

Trainers say there are four basic personalities of horses: The highly nervous, high-strung ones. One little thing will spook them. In fact, they might rear and hurt themselves unless calmed in a crisis. The relaxed, calm ones. These don’t even break a sweat before the race. Some might consider them lazy, but they’re far from it. They’re observing everything around them. The combative ones. These horses are aggressive, already eying the competition before the race and ushering body-language warnings. The easily distracted ones. These horses need blinders to stay focused on the race and the finish line. Which type of horse does your child resemble?

He dreams of being a knight in shining armor, rescuing the girl. He’s just not quite sure how to make his entrance on that white steed. What do boys this age need to know about girls? What girls want most is cuddling and closeness, but that doesn’t mean they want sex. Girls don’t want to be pushed, pinched, or hit. They don’t relate in the same ways boys do to each other. In fact, if you slug them on the shoulder to show them you like them, they think exactly the opposite and, worse, may cry. But they do appreciate a little male bicep flexing every once in a while.

Girls want heroes—boys who will be kind to them, take care of them, and respect them. Boys need to learn respect for the opposite sex. Two good questions for boys to ask are: Is this behavior something you would do with your sister or your mother? If not, don’t do it. Would you want your future wife to tell you someone did this with her someday? If not, don’t do it.

In today’s world where actresses show up on stage wearing basically nothing, modesty seems like an old-fashioned word. But God has built it into each of us, and if we listen to it, it’ll protect us from trouble. Modesty is that little nudge that tells us when something is okay to do and when it’s not. When kids fall into wearing sexy or revealing clothing, they can more easily become sexually active. That’s because they depress the God-given nudge toward modesty and allow others to ogle them and then move too closely into their personal spaces—both physically and emotionally. Not only can that step reap lifelong physical repercussions, but once sexual innocence is shattered, the images planted by those experiences are difficult to remove.

What do girls need to know? They need to know how boys think. One peek at the vision of a cute feminine behind can make a boy salivate. A girl sitting in a boy’s lap can make Mr. Happy more than happy. Because a boy is so visually stimulated, how a girl dresses greatly affects the way he perceives her. Girls need to be encouraged to become friends with both sexes. Because girls are relational creatures, when they get boyfriends, they tend to become exclusive and miss developing other friendships with peers. Girls also should be cautioned about giving away their secrets. Friends change fast in middle school, and betrayal happens even faster. Some will claim to be friends, but how many of those will stick close when the going gets tough? And finally, girls need to know that we all have unique features, including body size, weight, and shape. Each girl is created to be uniquely her—valuable and worthy. She doesn’t have to go on a diet, wear makeup, or look like somebody else to be important. What people think of as beautiful will come and go. In the Victorian era, chubby angels were in vogue. In other eras, stick-thin has been in vogue. Trends will change, but the person you are at your core is what is important.

Share Your Perspective and Values

Give Specific Reasons and Statistics

Emphasize That What Is Private Stays Private

Clarify Your Terminology

There are two golden rules. Follow them and you’ll never have to worry about STDs, pregnancy, or leaving pieces of yourself behind anywhere, physically or emotionally. Golden Rule #1: Keep your pants zipped up. Golden Rule #2: Keep your hands to yourself.

Confirm Your Love of and Belief in Your Child

Take a careful look at your children. Whatever personality your child had in his earlier years will be magnified in the middle-school years.

What do kids need to learn about life during Planet Middle School? To consider others’ feelings To be thoughtful and understanding To be gracious and kind To be a giver without expecting to receive

Middle-Schoolers’ Top Five Complaints about Parents

Arguing is a middle-schooler’s middle name.

If you want to stay out of an argument with your child, follow these simple rules:

The method of training is simple. Simple, but not easy. If you want a child who is respectful, teach and model respect. If you want a child who gives to others, teach and model giving. If you want a child who is accountable, teach and model accountability. If you want a child who has positive self-worth, teach and model positive self-worth.

Remember the ABCs of parenting from chapter 7? They’re so important that here’s a quick little refresher: I accept you. That means right now, as you are. Unconditionally. No changes are needed for you to be a valued member of this family. I believe in you. You are created as one of a kind, with gifts and talents, and I am confident you will use them for your own and others’ benefit. I know you are competent. You can handle this. You can face anything. You won’t crumple. There’s no doubt in my mind about that.

you train your kids, believe in them, and share your positive expectations, then, to quote one of my favorite Dr. Seuss books, “Oh, the places they’ll go!” There’s another thing your kids can also use a lot of: encouragement. I call it Vitamin E.

Toilet-Paper Wisdom My friend Kathy Flores Bell, with whom I wrote A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey with Your Kids about Sex, has a unique way of highlighting exactly the window of time that a child has at home with his parents. When she does her presentation, she starts with a strip of 18 squares of toilet paper. The 18 squares represent the 18 years you have with your child as he is growing up. As Kathy talks, she starts ripping them off one by one and tossing them onto the floor. By the time your child has reached Planet Middle School, parent, at least 11 of those 18 squares are already lying on the floor. And by the time he’s reached eighth grade, you’re left holding only 5 squares. What will you do with the squares that remain? How will you make the best of that time—for both you and your child? I suggest you use Kathy’s idea and do your own demonstration with 18 squares of toilet paper. It’s a powerful visual to convey the concept that time is short, and together you need to make it count.

All of our cubs came out of the same den, yet each has a unique bent and personality. Parent, nobody knows your child better than you. So you tell me what you see in your daughter or son. What personality traits and interests are emerging?

Make notes on kids bents in small journals.

Make Important Life Topics Part of Your Regular Conversation

Sharing stories of what you did right and the mistakes you made are better than a sermon every time. And they have long-lasting effects. They’ll come back to your kids when they least expect it and assist them in making positive choices.

As you develop time together as a family unit on a routine basis, it will make other discussions about respect easier as well. If you notice that your older son is saying mean things to your younger son and won’t share with him, pull your older son aside. “Luke, I heard what just went on in there. I’ve got to ask you something. Do you think what you said to your brother was kind?” You’ll get the usual, “Well, he started it. He said . . .” “I understand what both of you said. But I’m asking you, do you think that was a kind thing to say?” “Well, no.” “Okay then, we both agree that what you did was mean. You’re now 12 years old. I’ve seen you pick on your brother more and more. Evidently you’re not happy about something, and you’re choosing to focus on only how you feel and what you think. You’re 12 and I’m 38. You have a lot of life to go between where you are and where I am now. So I’m going to ask you to listen to what I’m saying. If you treat your peers the way you do your brother, I’ve got news for you: nobody is gonna like you. They won’t want a thing to do with you. That’s not how the world works. “I can’t make you be kind to your brother. I can’t make you not be selfish. You’re going to be who you choose to be. But I know that you are capable of treating your brother right. Yet what I’m seeing now is that you have to be the boss. Other kids—whether your brother or your friends—have to play by your rules. I look around and see what happens to people like that—people w...

There’s nothing like a little real-life therapy to pop the entitlement bubble, dampen middle-income-kid requests for more, and lessen squabbles between siblings over what they each have. Kids at their core are self-centered and egotistical . . . until you teach and role model for them a different path, as well as provide opportunities for them to develop an attitude of gratitude.

You can’t force your kids to change. But you can go out of your way to offer opportunities that provide the impetus for change. It all starts with teaching and role modeling responsibility, hard work, and a servant’s heart—both at home and beyond your home.

A Middle-Schooler’s 10 Commandments to Parents