#Junkie (GearShark, #1)

by Cambria Hebert

Yeah. Yeah, maybe a quick, no-strings-attached fuck was exactly what I needed tonight. Maybe it would chase away whatever the hell was wrong with me. Or maybe it would make it worse. I didn’t like that thought, so I ignored it.

Turns out I hadn’t barfed up everything. There was still something left inside me. Feelings. Moments that were still so fresh and new they couldn’t yet be considered memories. Instead, they’d become secrets. A night I was “too drunk” to remember. We could go back to being super bros. Best friends. It was better that way.

And in cars, talk was half the battle. The other half? The way a man drove. Hell, the kind of driver you were was more important than the actual thing you drove. Because when it came right down to it… It wasn’t the size of the engine in the car. It was the size of the engine in the man. My engine? It was so big it was limited edition.

His Mustang was so far up my ass the entire way out of the speedway’s lot it was giving me a wedgie.

“You shoulda dragged tonight,” Drew said, moving over to stand beside me. “The way you were driving back there on the road, it was hellacious.” “Hellacious?” I squinted at him. “Yeah. Like bodacious but way more badass… hellacious.”

“Ten to one that kid’s real name is Justin,” was the first thing Trent said. I guffawed. “Dude. I was thinking the same thing.” “He has no idea what he’s doing getting mixed up with someone like Lorhaven.”

“I just can’t laugh about shit I don’t remember.” Yeah. The alcohol was a giant eraser to his brain that night. But I remembered. Every word he said. Every detail from the darkness. Sometimes when it was really quiet, I thought about the stuff only I recalled. Alcohol often admits things people are too afraid to say sober. Sometimes I wished Trent remembered that night. Sometimes I was glad he forgot.

Alcohol poisoning. Breaking up a fist fight. Meetings with alumni. Budget meeting. A clogged toilet because someone thought it would be fun to flush a bag of marbles. And a rubber ducky. Okay, I admit it was kind of funny. That was just this week, a week that wasn’t even over yet.

Hope was a dangerous emotion. It made a man believe in possibilities. It whispered in the back of the mind, even on the darkest of days, even when I was sure the me I thought I was had faded away.

This call from Gamble was almost like the culmination of a life on two separate paths. Two paths that would soon merge into one.

Even though the conversation changed, my inner thoughts remained with our previous exchange. Not so much the words, but the way Trent looked and reacted as we talked. It was almost like he was hiding something. Or running. Made me wonder what was really going on inside his head.

It was hard to be Drew’s best friend. When I felt so much more. It was equal parts pleasure and torture to be with him. As much as I wanted to pull him close, I urged to push him away. I had to be a masochist. In the end, I always chose the torture. The torture of sitting close to him and swallowing back the emotions bubbling up inside me.

“Don’t worry. Your boyfriend’s car will be just fine,” he called after me. I stopped walking. Boyfriend. He thought Drew and I were together. My stomach turned over and a warm, intense feeling gripped my chest. It felt a lot like possessiveness.

Currents of electricity passed between us. It was unmistakable. It was like he knew I was checking him out. He knew and he liked it.

I’d always had a big family. I grew up in one. But family seemed to take on a new meaning when I moved here to be closer to my sister. There was something special about family by choice. It wasn’t blood that held us all together. It was loyalty. Love.

“Life isn’t always about money. Sometimes it’s about passion and going where the road takes us.”

“You should have given him a warning he wouldn’t be alone. He’s not expecting another driver out there.” I worried. “There’s lots of unexpected in racing,” Hopper replied mildly. It pissed me off. “Yeah. But putting a driver in danger to prove a point is a dick move.” Yep. I just cussed at the richest man in the state and his lackey. Did I give a flying fuck? Apparently not.

Drew wasn’t trying to knock me down; he was hugging me. I liked the way his weight felt colliding into mine. It hit me immediately, but it was like my body was ready; my body knew how to react to Drew. He bounced excitedly at first and slapped me on the back. I chuckled and pressed my palm against his back. Something changed. The excited, celebratory hug turned into more. His body relaxed, and my arms moved, pulling him tighter, towing his chest right up against mine. Drew’s chin dropped onto my shoulder, and his hand stopped slapping my back. Instead, his fingers dug in. So this is what it’s like. This was what it was like to be held by Drew. To hold him. Damn.

A whole new brand of racing. That was the proposal. I came here hoping for a sponsorship, a car with a ton of logos slapped all over it, entrance fees paid to a bunch of legit, well-known races. I didn’t get it. I got something better: a chance.

No. I didn’t get a sponsorship or a deal with a lot of backing. I got something a hell of a lot more risky. Something that might ruin my career before it even got started. I got a dirt path through a heavily wooded forest. All I needed was a path. All I needed was a chance. I liked risks. Maybe I was reckless. But with great risk comes great reward. Or at the very least, one hell of an adrenaline rush.

It was nice to get away. Just Drew and the open road. We went somewhere no one knew us. I didn’t realize it would affect the way we interacted, but it had. We were more relaxed with each other… more open. Which in turn led to moments of awkwardness. So we were relaxed and awkward with each other almost all at once.

“Maybe we should call Drew. Ask him how much time you spend with him.” Conner taunted. Like a frayed string, I snapped. My hands made a sharp sound when I slapped them on the podium and gripped the edges until the wood dug into my hands. “Just what the fuck are you implying?” I growled. “That maybe the brothers of this house don’t want to be represented by a fag.” The earsplitting sound of wood cracking splintered through the room when the podium hit the floor. I spun so fast to face Conner that my vision was actually blurry. But I could still see enough. “What did you just say to me?” I bit out. His eyes widened.

I yanked my cell out of my back pocket and texted Drew. Can’t make it to breakfast. Frat business. Everything okay? he texted back. Yeah. TTYL. After my terse reply, I shut my phone off and shoved it back in my pocket. I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. Especially Drew. I wasn’t gay. Except… maybe I was.

Joey was everything Drew wanted in a girl, and I wasn’t. Hell, I wasn’t even the right gender. I could tell by the way he was with her, Drew was interested. It thrashed my insides.

I avoided Drew as much as I could. I avoided Romeo and Braeden, Ivy and Rimmel. I even avoided little Nova. It hurt. It hurt to separate myself from the people I’d made my family. But I couldn’t be around them and not see Drew. They’d know something was wrong. And I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. Fuck, I was barely able to admit it to myself.

Maybe I would be attracted to other guys, too, like other gay men. Men who understood what I was feeling. Men who’d been where I was. The truth was I wasn’t fighting being gay. I was fighting being in love with my best friend. It would ruin everything, my entire family.

How was I supposed to think about it anyway when all I could think about was driving and the lack of T’s presence? We were definitely avoiding each other. He started it. But I hadn’t tried very hard to find out why. I, too, was participating in the avoidance. I missed him. Like someone ripped a gaping hole in my life, in my chest. The cold air whistled through it constantly, creating an odd, painful ache.

Max reared back. I saw his fist clench. “Oh, hell no!” I bit out and lurched to my feet. I moved fast, shoving myself between the men and planting myself in front of Drew. I pushed my face close to Max’s and spoke low. Deadly. “You don’t touch him. Ever.” His eyes widened, clearly surprised. The vibe I exuded was far different than the one I had all night. He threatened Drew. That was all I needed to go from laidback to lethal in seconds.

Joey crossed to the door and palmed the handle. “Kiss him,” she suggested. “Just once. I haven’t been around you two long, but it’s been long enough. One kiss is all it’s going to take. The second you do, you won’t be able to deny what you and I have is friendship, but with Trent?” She pulled open the door. “It’s way more.”

My heart was thudding so heavily in my chest I felt unsteady. My stomach was so fluttery I partially worried I might be sick. No one had ever affected me like this. No one. And it was because of the completely rattled and unsteady way I felt that I understood something that only shook me further. This was real. Whatever this was, it was the most intense feeling I’d ever known.

His free hand came up and rested on the side of my neck. The second he made contact, my eyes slid closed as I let myself feel the current of desire flowing down to my toes. “Hey,” he whispered, and I met his hazel gaze. He made this sound. A cross between a grunt and growl, the kind of sound a man made when he was completely satisfied, and then the distance between us was no more. His hand tightened slightly at my neck the second our lips made contact.

It wasn’t like I expected it to be. By the way my body was humming, I expected there to be some sort of electric surge. But it wasn’t like that. Not when we first touched. It was this intense feeling of relief. Of finally finding the place I belonged.

His tongue wrapped around mine, and I reached up to delve my hands into his hair, but his hat got in the way. I made a sound, and he ripped his mouth free, only long enough to rip the hat off and throw it away. Then he was on me again, and I welcomed him. I didn’t have to bend over to deepen the kiss. I didn’t have to hunch in around him, because he was bigger than me. All I had to do was grip his head and dive in.

What was supposed to be an experiment turned to desperation. The floodgate of feelings suppressed so long was now burst open, and I declared to never go back again.

Kissing him was like seeing the ocean for the first time. Meeting something so big it made you feel small. It was like standing beneath a galaxy or being the red “you are here” dot on a map of the world. It was like finally understanding the answer to an impossible question.

He tightened his grip on my waist, and I discovered I was right. He was a really strong net and with him I would never fall.

“Umm, wow,” he said, swiping at his lower lip with his thumb. The action tightened my stomach and made my own cock twitch. In the same moment, I had two realizations: 1. Holy shit… I was rocking a raging boner just like him. and 2. I hadn’t even noticed my own horniness because I’d been so wrapped up in a single kiss.

“So…” I began, cautious. “The idea of me and Ivy bothers you?” He made a rude sound. “The idea of you and anybody bothers me.” Well, that made me happy. Totally fucking giddy.

My name is Drew Forrester. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my best friend. Who’s a guy.

After kissing him, after sitting here with him like this… it became oh so clear to me that the only thing harder than being with Drew would be not being with him.

“No.” The word came out as a guttural sound. “Don’t move.” Without thought, I thrust my hips up toward him as another shudder rolled through me. Drew’s eyes widened. Then the fucker started laughing. “You gonna blow, T?” “I will punch you right in the face,” I growled. He grinned, and dear God, his dimple came out to play. “So other people can’t deck me, but you can?” Was he teasing me? Was the man I loved really sitting in my lap, torturing my dick, and teasing me?

I liked looking at Trent. I liked knowing I was the reason he made a mess of himself. No, I more than liked it. It made me feel like I was sitting at the start line of a race. The familiar tingle of adrenaline pulsed in my limbs, and the anticipation of his touch made me almost giddy. Now I understood why I tried to hide from these feelings. Why they scared me so much. I felt about Trent the way I felt about racing. Just as racing and cars were a part of me, so was he.

Brave even though he was clearly barely holding it together. Strong in the face of a hurricane. Solid in a crumbling world. He still made you his top priority tonight.

I held as tight as I could in that moment. If he were crumbling, I would hold every single piece of him in place.

“You’re not going to lose me, frat boy,” I vowed softly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Since my shirt was, ah, dirty, we threw our clothes in the wash, then came back downstairs where we settled in to watch the third Terminator movie. When he flopped down and put his head in my lap, a lump formed in my throat. This guy was turning me into a marshmallow.

He wanted me to remember, but no one else to see. I couldn’t even be mad, because I understood. I felt the same.

I went over earlier than I needed to for two reasons: 1. I didn’t want anyone to see me sneaking up to his room. and 2. I missed him.

“Nova thinks I look good, don’t you?” I said to my niece. She gave me a toothless grin, then held her arms out to Trent. “You little traitor.” Trent laughed and pulled the baby out of my arms. When he did, his hand brushed my arm and goose bumps raced down my spine. Before tucking the baby into his side, he gave me a quick look that told me he’d felt it, too. “You gotta stop growing, midge,” Trent told her. He called her midge because she was a tiny combination of Braeden and Ivy.

Ivy gasped and spun around to look at me. “I know! I’ll do a piece on racing-inspired looks. What to wear in the stands, out on the town, etc. It’s going to be awesome. The editor is going to love this!”