The Problem with Forever

by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Miss Becky had said once that he was only six months older than her six years, but he always seemed so much bigger, older than her, because in her eyes, he took up her entire world.

My toes curled against the soft leather soles of my flip-flops and my throat felt scratchy as I forced the words out. “I’m… I’m new.” There! I did it. I spoke. Take that, everyone! Words were totally my bitch.

Ainsley’s online activity in the evenings had been limited after her mom discovered the pictures she’d been sending her boyfriend, Todd, back in July. They weren’t even that bad, just her in her bikini, but her mom had freaked out with a capital F and had, much to my amusement and horror, made Ainsley watch videos on childbirth as a form of sex ed. Needless to say, Ainsley was positive she would never have children but that hadn’t stopped her and she was still super interested in sex.

“Cool. I’m quiet, too.” I arched a brow. He laughed. “Okay. I’m not quiet. I’m sure if you Wikipedia’d my ass, I would show up as the opposite of quiet. But that’s okay. You and I would get along like lime and tequila. You can make up for my nonstop talkin’ and I can make up for your lack of talkin’.” He nudged my arm with his. “We’re a perfect team!”

Words were not the enemy or the monster under my bed, but they held such power over me. They were like the ghost of a loved one, forever haunting me.

Lunch ended without me talking but also without a major disaster, and I wanted to bound out of the cafeteria total Sound of Music style, with my arms spread wide.

“Maybe saying I didn’t like classrooms would be a bad choice, but I could say something like I don’t like bananas.” “Bananas?” He nodded with a small grin. “I discovered about three years ago that I absolutely hate those damn things.” “But they’re just bananas.” “They’re the fruit of the devil.”

Same, Rider!!

“And I like…I like reading. And I don’t like…I don’t like who I am.”

Plus, she could wear a romper without looking like an overgrown toddler.

Peanut butter and jealous!

“Oh my God, I’m like that insurance commercial. I want to scream, ‘This is not how this works! This is not how any of this works!’

Rider’s gaze held mine again. “She understands that if I have to pick between you two, it’s not going to be her.”

Keira grinned. “Hey, Jayden.” “Yo,” he said, sitting sideways in the chair with his arm propped on the table. “You beautiful ladies looked lonely. Thought I’d come over and bless you with my presence.”

“Where’s your brother at?” Jo asked. “I’ll be his bae.” Jayden snorted. “Why? He’s a loser. Me? I’m baby-faced fresh. He’s old, crusty news.”

“It’s not about getting it right the first time and it’s most definitely not about perfection, but if you try, you succeed. Just like you would in art. Or in life, for that matter.” He then patted my shoulder. “And by the looks of it, you’re trying.”

There. I said it. Thank Jesus. And baby animals everywhere.

You never really know someone, not even family sometimes. People show you what they want you to see. You have to remember that.”

“There’s also salad. Make sure you’re eating that, too.” Salad? Who wanted salad when I had beefy enchiladas smothered in cheese? Come on, now.

I need your advice. I am your sensei.

Are you still there? A minute or two passed and then her bubble popped up. Sorry. Mom was in here making sure I wasn’t setting up meetings with random thirty-year-olds on Facebook.

“You have the power over that. People can say crap. They can think whatever they want, but you control how you feel about it.”

But I wasn’t a gerbil that needed a reward. Unless the reward was homemade queso dip. Then yes, reward me.

“Esa chica esta bien caliente.” Hector laughed as Rider shook his head. Ainsley stiffened across from me. She was pretty fluent in Spanish and even though Hector was Puerto Rican, I had a feeling she was getting the general gist of whatever he was saying and she was not happy about it. “Me gustaria a llevarla a mi casa y comermela.”

Yay for not needing Google Translate!

“How…are you feeling?” “Like a million bucks.” He laughed at my doubtful expression. “Okay. I’m feelin’ like a quarter and maybe a nickel.”

Rider had said nothing lasted forever, but some things, some scars, ran too deep to ever fade away.

And it was knowing that I could still be…still be afraid of everything, but not letting that fear stop me from living.

Forever was something we all took for granted, but the problem with forever was that it really didn’t exist.

I remembered him ranting once about how if someone coughed, they were given time off from work, but if someone was mentally fatigued, they were expected to suck it up.

But the monsters I hid from shaped who I’ve become by teaching me that kindness and love are things that should be given freely. They taught me who I never want to be. That’s why they’re important to me today.

“I want to be the guy worthy of your love, and I swear, if you’ll have me, I’ll do everything in my power to be that man. I’ll never stop trying. Ever.”

My past was a part of me and it molded who I was today, but it was not the sum of who I was to become. It did not control me.