The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality

by Julie Sondra Decker

To understand demisexuality, one just needs to realize that demisexual people aren’t identifying that way to shame anyone or separate themselves from a “lower” form of sexual interest. They’re describing how sexual attraction works for them, and observing that it’s different from the way it works for most because they have no concept of “do you think that person’s hot?” just based on how someone looks, sounds, smells, or moves. (Many asexual people have this bewildering experience in adolescence—being asked by friends to state whether someone is attractive and having no idea what they’re supposed to feel, perhaps hiding their confusion by pretending to be attracted to whoever everyone else calls hot. Demisexual people experience this too.) It’s also inaccurate to say demisexual people are claiming not to be aroused by the physical. They certainly can be. They can feel sexually attracted to the physical attributes of a person they have an emotional connection with, but they will never feel sexual attraction to a stranger even if they have those same physical attributes. The distinction is sometimes difficult for others to grasp, but demisexual people feel it is there, and they aren’t doing it to put their sexual attraction experience on a pedestal. Whether to call oneself “demisexual” is ultimately up to the person in question, dependent upon whether it is useful.