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for the arms that hold me
my heart woke me crying last night how can i help i begged my heart said write the book
it is your blood in my veins tell me how i’m supposed to forget
he was supposed to be the first male love of your life you still search for him everywhere - father
trying to convince myself i am allowed to take up space is like writing with my left hand when i was born to use my right - the idea of shrinking is hereditary
I relate so bad but I'm actually left-handed so. .
your mother is in the habit of offering more love than you can carry your father is absent you are a war the border between two countries the collateral damage the paradox that joins the two but also splits them apart
emptying out of my mother’s belly was my first act of disappearance learning to shrink for a family who likes their daughters invisible was the second the art of being empty is simple believe them when they say you are nothing repeat it to yourself like a wish i am nothing i am nothing i am nothing so often the only reason you know you’re still alive is from the heaving of your chest - the art of being empty
father. you always call to say nothing in particular. you ask what i’m doing or where i am and when the silence stretches like a lifetime between us i scramble to find questions to keep the conversation going. what i long to say most is. i understand this world broke you. it has been so hard on your feet.
he asks me what i do i tell him i work for a small company that makes packaging for— he stops me midsentence no not what you do to pay the bills what drives you crazy what keeps you up at night i tell him i write he asks me to show him something i take the tips of my fingers place them inside his forearm and graze them down his wrist goose bumps rise to the surface i see his mouth clench muscles tighten his eyes pore into mine as though i’m the reason for making them blink i break gaze just as he inches toward me i step back so that’s what you do you command attention my cheeks flush as i
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i know. i know. your excuses make all the sense in the world. and i get a little carried away for no good reason and eventually begin crying. but what else do you expect baby. i love you so much. i’m sorry i thought you were lying. that’s when you hold your head with your hands in frustration. half begging me to stop. half tired and sick of it. the toxin in our mouths has burnt holes in our cheeks. we look less alive than we used to. less color in our faces. but don’t kid yourself. no matter how bad it gets we both know you still wanna nail me to the ground. especially when i’m screaming so
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you were so distant i forgot you were there at all
the next time you have your coffee black you’ll taste the bitter state he left you in it will make you weep but you’ll never stop drinking you’d rather have the darkest parts of him than have nothing
i am not the whiskey you want i am the water you need
Vice versa
your voice alone drives me to tears
he isn’t coming back whispered my head he has to sobbed my heart
the thing about writing is i can’t tell if it’s healing or destroying me
your body is a museum of natural disasters can you grasp how stunning that is
the name kaur makes me a free woman
My science teacher's last name is Kaur.
