The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups

by Leonard Sax

A mother and father brought their 6-year-old daughter to see me. The child had a fever and a sore throat. I examined the ears, which were fine. I said, “Next I’m going to take a look at your throat.” But before I could look at the throat, mom asked, “Do you mind if the doctor looks in your throat for just a second, honey? Afterward we can go and get some ice cream.” The child paused, then burst into tears and said, “I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” What should have been a simple 2-second exam became a major ordeal lasting several minutes. In more than two decades of practice, I have learned that the key to effective examination of a sick child is simply to do the exam. Don’t negotiate with a 6-year-old. In two sentences, the mother (1) changed my statement into a negotiable request, and (2) turned the negotiation into a bribe. The authority of the grown-ups was undermined.