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Why Gender Matters (2005), Boys Adrift (2007), and Girls on the Edge (2010).
The treatment will be something—three things, in fact—that you can do starting today, in your home, without spending any money, that will improve the odds of a good outcome for your child.
The answer is culture. When anthropologists use the term “culture,” they are referring to the collection of practices and customs which are characteristic of individuals in one community but which are not shared by individuals of the same species who live in another community. They also mean that the differences between the two communities are not genetically programmed. Children and adolescents learn these customs and practices either by watching the adults or by receiving active instruction from the adults.14
These differences are not genetically programmed. They are specific to the culture. Suppose the Japanese child and the Swiss child were switched at birth, with the Swiss child raised in Kyoto and the Japanese child raised in Appenzell. The experience of adoptive parents teaches us that the Japanese child will speak Schwyzertüütsch (Swiss German) as flawlessly, and will master that culture with the same ease, as any other child raised in Appenzell; likewise, the Swiss child raised in Kyoto will speak Japanese as well, and be as culturally proficient, as any child born and raised in Kyoto.
We now live in a culture in which kids value the opinion of same-age peers more than they value the opinion of their parents, a culture in which the authority of parents has declined not only in the eyes of children but also in the eyes of parents themselves.
Parents today suffer from role confusion. “Role confusion” is a plausible translation of Statusunsicherheit, a term used by German sociologist Norbert Elias to describe the transfer of authority from parents to children.
Not so today. I posed an updated version of Professor Coleman’s question to hundreds of children and teenagers at dozens of venues across the United States between 2009 and 2015. I asked them, “If all your friends joined a particular social media site, and they all wanted you to join, but one of your parents did not approve, would you still join the site?” The most common response to the question was neither Yes or No, but laughter.
the attitude of American teenagers toward their parents was described as “ingratitude seasoned with contempt.”
Strong parental authority means that parents matter more than same-age peers. In contemporary American culture, peers matter more than parents.
American kids today have their own culture, a culture of disrespect, which they learn from their peers and which they teach to their peers.
What does it mean to assert your authority as a parent? It doesn’t necessarily mean being a tough disciplinarian. Among other things, it means ensuring that the parent-child relationship takes priority over the relationships between the child and her or his same-age peers.
for the child to learn the grown-up culture from the grownups.
The benefits of parental authority are substantial. When parents matter more than peers, they can teach right and wrong in a meaningful way. They can prioritize attachments within the family over attachments with same-age peers. They can foster better relationships between their child and other adults. They can help their child develop a more robust and more authentic sense of self, grounded not in how many “likes” a photo gets on Instagram or Facebook but in the child’s truest nature. They can educate desire, instilling a longing for higher and better things, in music, in the arts, and in
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When the culture values youth over maturity, the authority of parents is undermined. Young people easily overestimate the importance of youth culture and underestimate the culture of earlier generations. “Why should we have to read Shakespeare?” is a common refrain I hear from American students. “He is so totally irrelevant to, like, everything.”
“Two hundred years ago, it was reasonable to trust in the future without being utterly stupid. Who can believe now in today’s prophecies, seeing as we are yesterday’s splendid future? . . . ‘Progress’ means, in the final analysis, taking away from man what ennobles him in order to sell him cheaply what debases him.”34
But Megan is mistaken. Courtney isn’t independent. No 12-year-old truly is. Instead, Courtney has transferred her natural dependence from her parents, where it should be, to her same-age peers, where it shouldn’t be. Courtney’s top priorities now lie in pleasing her friends, being liked by her friends, being accepted by same-age peers. Her parents have become an afterthought, a means to other ends.35
You can see how good parents who love their kids can fall into this trap. You love your child. It’s natural to want to please someone you love. If your daughter doesn’t want to join you and your spouse on a ski vacation, it feels harsh to say, “Nevertheless, despite your protests, you are going to come with us.” But that’s what you must say. Why? Because having fun together is one foundation of authoritative parenting in the modern world. Because if most of the good times come when kids are having fun with other kids, then it’s no wonder that kids don’t want to spend more time with adults.
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How best to understand it? Neufeld asks, Imagine that your spouse or lover suddenly begins to act strangely: won’t look you in the eye, rejects physical contact, speaks to you irritably in monosyllables, shuns your approaches, and avoids your company. Then imagine that you go to your friends for advice. Would they say to you, “Have you tried a time-out? Have you imposed limits and made clear what your expectations are?” It would be obvious to everyone that, in the context of adult interaction, you’re dealing not with a behavior problem but a relationship problem. And probably the first
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Parents need to recognize such tantrums or sulking as symptoms of a shift in the child’s primary attachment from parents to their peers. Too often, parents today allow their desire to please their child to govern their parenting. If your relationship with your child is governed by your own desire to be loved by him or her, the odds are good that you will not achieve even that objective.
Something hardwired is going on here. The child expects to look up to the parent, to be instructed by the parent, indeed to be commanded by the parent. If the parent instead serves the child, then that relationship falls out of its natural balance. You may not earn your child’s love at all—and the more you try, the more pathetically unsuccessful you may be. I have seen precisely this dynamic play out at least a hundred times in my own medical practice over the past quarter century. The parent who puts the child’s wishes first may earn only the child’s contempt, not their love.
But if you are not primarily concerned about winning your child’s love and affection and focus instead on your duties as a parent—teaching your child right from wrong and communicating what it means to be a responsible man or woman, a gentleman or a lady, within the constraints of the culture you are trying to inculcate and to share—then you may find that your child loves and respects you. When you’re not looking for it.
Mom had not encultured her kids into her own culture. Instead she was trying to adapt to the children’s culture, the culture of disrespect, which they had learned from their peers. And while these kids might have been enjoying themselves at the moment, after a fashion, eating the doughnuts and texting, their parents’ failure to enculture and instruct them rightly means that these kids will be ill-equipped to withstand the challenges of later adolescence and adulthood.
Sometimes you have to wait before you eat the doughnuts. Sometimes you don’t get to eat the doughnuts at all. That’s life.
Eat right: Broccoli and Brussels sprouts come before pizza and ice cream. Eat less: Don’t supersize. Prepare small servings and insist that kids finish everything on the plate, including vegetables, before they get second helpings. Exercise more: Turn off the devices. Go outside. Play. You can do this.
The problem lies not in Trent at all, but in his parents’ failure to set and enforce consistent limits and consequences.
“Play fair. / Don’t hit people. / Put things back where you found them. / Clean up your own mess. / Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.”
The job of the parent is to teach self-control. To explain what is and is not acceptable. To establish boundaries and enforce consequences.
Mom was startled by the continual drumbeat from teachers and other parents: “Maybe your son has ADHD. Have you considered trying a medication?” She told me, “It was weird, like everybody was in on this conspiracy to medicate my son. In England, none of the kids is on medication. Or if they are, it’s a secret. But I really don’t think many are. Here it seems like almost all the kids are on medication. Especially the boys.”
The medications work. They do change the child’s behavior. That’s what I find so scary. These medications are being used as a means of behavior modification to an extent almost unimaginable outside North America.
Teaching self-control is one of the first tasks of the parent and the teacher. As we will see in Chapter 6, a child’s self-control at age 11 or 14 is a good predictor of the child’s health and happiness 20 years later, when the child is in his or her 30s. But if that child has been diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder and is put on powerful medication to control behavior, then the child’s self-control may be undermined.
Recommendation #1: Command. Don’t ask. Don’t negotiate. Modern American parents are forever rationalizing their decisions to their children. There are many problems with that approach. The mere fact that the parent feels compelled to negotiate already undermines the authority of the parent. When you lay down a rule, and your children ask why, answer, “Because Mommy (or Daddy) says so, that’s why.” American parents two generations ago did this routinely and comfortably. Most British and Australian parents still do. American parents today—seldom.
Don’t negotiate with a 6-year-old. In two sentences, the mother (1) changed my statement into a negotiable request, and (2) turned the negotiation into a bribe.
When your 6-year-old is at the doctor’s office, command her to comply with the doctor’s requests. “Because I’m your mother, that’s why.” But when your child is 15 years old, then it’s more reasonable to offer an explanation of your decision-making process.
You are explaining, not negotiating.
It’s reasonable to offer an explanation to a teenager. Just don’t let your explanation slide into negotiation.
The general rule for authoritative, “Just Right” parents should be, Don’t ask. Command. Some American parents blanch with horror when I tell them to “command” their child. I have found that the parents most horrified by that suggestion are also more likely to be medicating their kids with Adderall or Concerta or Vyvanse or Seroquel or Risperdal.
Recommendation #2: Eat dinner with your kids. And no cell phones allowed, no TV in the background during dinner.
The difference wasn’t just between kids who had 7 evening meals a week with a parent compared with kids who had none. At almost every step from zero up to 7 evening meals a week, each extra dinner a child had with a parent decreased the risk of both internalizing problems and externalizing problems and increased both prosocial behavior and the child’s general satisfaction with life.
A family in which kids often have meals with parents is likely to be a family in which parents still have authority; a family in which parents and family interaction still matter. • But just insisting that everybody eat together, while the TV is blaring and the kids are texting at the dinner table, probably won’t accomplish much by itself.38
My American acquaintance defended the insubordination of American students as a supposed prerequisite for creativity. I dispute that assumption. The golden era of creativity for young Americans was 1945 through 1970, when US students were much more likely to be respectful and deferential to teachers.
Part of your job as a parent is to educate desire. To teach your child to go beyond “whatever floats your boat.” To enjoy, and to want to enjoy, pleasures higher and deeper than video games and social media can provide.
Why are American kids today so fragile? The fundamental reason is the breaking of the bonds across generations, so that kids now value the opinions of same-age peers or their own self-constructed self-concept more than they care about the good regard of their parents and other adults.
The result is a cult of success, because success is the easiest way to impress your peers and yourself. But the cult of success just sets the kid up for catastrophe when failure arrives, as we saw in Julia’s case. And failure will come, sooner or later.
Failure comes to us all. The willingness to fail, and then to move on with no loss of enthusi...
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Which of the following, measured when a child is 11 years of age, is the best predictor of happiness and overall life satisfaction roughly 20 years later, when that child has become a 31- or 32-year-old adult? A. IQ B. Grade point average C. Self-control D. Openness to new ideas E. Friendliness The correct answer is C, self-control.
If you want your child to be healthy and wealthy and wise, then your first priority should not be measures of cognitive achievement, such as high grades or test scores, but measures of Conscientiousness, such as honesty, integrity, and self-control.
The data are clear. Kids who had the most self-control at age 11 had the highest incomes and the best credit scores at age 32 and were least likely to be struggling financially. Conversely, kids with the least self-control at age 11 were, at age 32, the most likely to be struggling financially and the least likely to have a high income.
Matters of habit. If you are going to change the rules, tell your child what you are doing and why. Parents who explicitly announce, “Things Are Changing As Of Today,” then enforce the new rules and are not cowed when their child yells, “You are totally ruining my life—I hate you!” are surprised by how dramatic the change is. Not in one day. Not in one week. But after six weeks of consistent enforcement of the rules, your child will be more pleasant, and more respectful of you and of other adults. And both of you will be enjoying life more.
Your child’s Conscientiousness is not hardwired. It is not determined at birth. It is something you can influence. It is something you can change.
There is one inescapable truth: you must teach by example. You can’t expect your child to exercise self-control if you stay up past midnight watching TV or surfing the Web. You can’t expect your child to be responsible if you don’t keep your word. And you can’t expect your child to be industrious if you yourself are often looking for the easy way out. To become a better parent, you must become a better person.
