The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups

by Leonard Sax

But teaching the virtues of Conscientiousness may be different. The students at my daughter’s school were asked to bring a dollar with them one day to buy a special pencil. My daughter’s friend forgot to bring her dollar. So my daughter gave her the dollar that she had brought to school to buy the same pencil, which meant that my daughter came home without the coveted pencil. Should I say to my daughter, “That was a very kind thing you did” or should I say “You are a very kind person”? Does it make any difference? If Professor Dweck’s rule applies in the realm of virtue, then praising the behavior (that was a very kind thing you did) would be a better strategy than making a statement about identity (you are a very kind person). But there is now good evidence that when it comes to teaching virtue, Professor Dweck’s approach is precisely the wrong way to go. When it comes to teaching virtue, identity seems to work better than behavior. You are a very kind person works better than That was a very kind thing you did.