Confessions of an Unlikely Runner: A Guide to Racing and Obstacle Courses for the Averagely Fit and Halfway Dedicated

by Dana L. Ayers

FOMO is too strong. (FOMO = Fear of Missing Out.

Pro tip: Being slow allows you to enjoy the parade of people who pass you. Sometimes it’s a hot man, sometimes it’s an octogenarian. Either way, it’s a nice distraction from sweating.

According to Runningusa.org, there has been a 40 percent increase in U.S. marathon finishers over the past decade. Maybe that’s because so many of us have desk jobs and either need to exercise or need to prove to the world that we can do more than create pivot tables in an Excel spreadsheet

“Taking off” probably isn’t the most appropriate term, considering we could have sipped tea at the pace we were going. But being slow has its perks. Races are like mullets: business in the front, party in the back. Back there, everyone chats.

I finally did what I always do: squeezed my eyes shut, hit the Go button, and waited to see what would happen.

Pro tip: There are tons of ways to get yourself moving

that are basically the equivalent of making an airplane noise to fly mashed-up vegetables into a child’s mouth. Find whatever trick works for you to get you to do your workouts.

Moral of the story: One way to stay in racing shape is to make cross-training fun–by any means necessary. Trick yourself, find an overzealous spin instructor, or attend a class that allows you to stare at shirtless men–you’ll probably see me there too.

Race fans’ signs saying things like, “Run faster, my wife just passed gas!” Or, “Worst. Parade. Ever.”

The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It’s your mind you have to convince.

Pro tip: Fake it ‘til you make it. Behave like a runner long enough and you eventually become one.

Many athletes are trained to visualize their desired results–like crossing the finish line at their goal time–in order to subconsciously get their bodies to do what’s necessary to achieve those results.

Another trick I use to motivate myself to run is to “burn the ships.” It’s a reference my pastor used in a sermon. He was referring to a Spanish conquistador who, upon landing on some shore to start a conquest, ordered his men to burn their ships, leaving them no option to retreat.

Pro tip: Find your people. Whether you need people at your pace, or you just really want someone you can talk about cats with during a long run, they are out there somewhere. Start putting out feelers and they will come.

Music. I download my favorite songs and then won’t let myself listen to them unless I’m running. When I want to listen to one of the songs, I know I have to go

These are people who choose to focus not on asking, “Why me?” Instead, they ask, “Ok, what are the new possibilities?” When I’m struggling to get through a run, I think of them and what a privilege it is to be able to run with my body, just as it is. And then I run harder, because I feel like I owe it to those people to do so.

Whether it’s about looking hot in front of an ex, or making sure I don’t have too much face on my face bones, I know running plays a role in my ability to feel cute and fit in my wardrobe.

Apparently, there’s a part of our brains called the reticular activating system that causes us to start noticing things more after we first become aware of them, like when we see other cars like the one we drive, or when we hear the same ring tone as our own on other people’s cell phones.

I hit the place where I try to look like a good runner because people in cars can see me as they drive past.

I come to the area where people in cars can no longer see me and I resume the pace of a one-year-old climbing stairs.

watch Jerry Dobson’s Welcome to the Grind sports motivational video on YouTube.

“If you don’t have answers to your problems after a four-hour run, you ain’t getting them.”

Yes, my feet are hurting, because I am kicking so much butt!

Discipline I’ve learned that when I’m disciplined in one area, like running, it spills over into the rest of my life. When I start my day by working out, I find myself making better eating choices throughout the day, or leaving my apartment a little tidier. I’m a more squared-away version of myself–maybe not completely responsible and adult-shaped, but markedly less train-wrecky.

Pro tip: Running makes you feel fierce. Be prepared to strut when you return from a run. Or, depending on how sore you are, at least be prepared to waddle with attitude.

Cheering fans don’t fill stadiums to watch someone reconcile expense accounts.

I’ve found that if I decide I’m only going to run two miles, I’ll struggle at the end of those two miles, but if I decide to run four miles, I won’t start struggling until I get close to the fourth mile. This tells me I sometimes hold back, and that I’m often capable of more. It helps me employ more mental grit during my runs. It probably also means I’m capable of using that grit to resist the siren song of anything made of dark chocolate or goat cheese, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Plus, the slower you run, the better your race photos look, because you’re not all grimacing and scrunched up from the effort, so I totally nailed those race photos.

We slower runners may not get points for speed, but you gotta give us points for perseverance.

“It’s raining on everyone.” That’s such a great, simple reminder to shuck the victim mentality and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Yeah, I’m slow and running can be hard. But life can be hard. For anyone. So get over it and get this done.