Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

(For application of this kind of force in social and political conflicts, see Robert Irwin’s book, Building a Peace System.)

Book could be worth checking out... Marshall rarely cites any kind of sources

The assumption behind the protective use of force is that people behave in ways injurious to themselves and others due to some form of ignorance. The corrective process is therefore one of education, not punishment. Ignorance includes (1) a lack of awareness of the consequences of our actions, (2) an inability to see how our needs may be met without injury to others, (3) the belief that we have the right to punish or hurt others because they “deserve” it, and (4) delusional thinking that involves, for example, hearing a voice that instructs us to kill someone.

In addition to the physical, other uses of force also qualify as punishment. One is the use of blame to discredit another person; for example, a parent may label a child as “wrong,” “selfish,” or “immature” when a child doesn’t behave in a certain way. Another form of punitive force is the withholding of some means of gratification, such as parents’ curtailing allowances or driving privileges. In this vein, the withdrawal of caring or respect is one of the most powerful threats of all.

Really resonates with my childhood experiences of being punished by my brother whenever i was "being annoying"... like each one of these non-physical punishments (as well as the arm punching which was also significant but probably much preferable to the others). I'm kind of perplexed as to why I can't see or remember my parents punishing me in these ways much. But certainly coercive shaming was the norm from teachers and my brother.

Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.

if I saw a child hit someone after being called a name, I might empathize, “I’m sensing that you’re feeling angry because you’d like to be treated with more respect.” If I guessed correctly, and the child acknowledges this to be true, I would then continue by expressing my own feelings, needs, and requests in the situation without insinuating blame: “I’m feeling sad because I want us to find ways to get respect that don’t turn people into enemies. I’d like you to tell me if you’d be willing to explore with me some other ways to get the respect you’re wanting.”

Two Questions That Reveal the Limitations of Punishment Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment to change people’s behavior. The first question is: What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing? If we ask only this first question, punishment may seem effective, because the threat or exercise of punitive force may well influence someone’s behavior. However, with the second question, it becomes evident that punishment isn’t likely to work: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking? We seldom address the latter question, but when we do, we soon realize that punishment and reward interfere with people’s ability to do things motivated by the reasons we’d like them to have.

In situations where there is no opportunity for communication, such as in instances of imminent danger, we may need to resort to the protective use of force. The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice, never to punish or to cause individuals to suffer, repent, or change.

Notice how these inner messages are infested with judgmental terms and phrases such as should, wasting my education and talents, and can’t handle. Variations of this dialogue had been running in this woman’s head for months. She was asked to imagine the “career woman” voice taking an “NVC pill” in order to restate its message in the following form: “When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.”

I empathized with clients instead of interpreting them; I revealed myself instead of diagnosing them.

not “You’re frustrated because I am a certain way,” but “You’re frustrated because you wanted something different from me.”

Such statements are typically uttered as expressions of appreciation in life-alienating communication. Perhaps you are surprised that I regard praise and compliments to be life-alienating. Notice, however, that appreciation expressed in this form reveals little of what’s going on in the speaker; it establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgment. I define judgments—both positive and negative—as life-alienating communication. Compliments are often judgments—however positive-of others.

The Three Components of Appreciation NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation: the actions that have contributed to our well-being the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs The sequence of these ingredients may vary; sometimes all three can be conveyed by a smile or a simple “Thank you.” However, if we want to ensure that our appreciation has been fully received, it is valuable to develop the eloquence to express all three components verbally. The following dialogue illustrates how praise may be transformed into an appreciation that embraces all three components. Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”