Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Notice the difference between these questions and the ones below: “What did I do that you are referring to?” “How are you feeling?” “Why are you feeling that way?” “What are you wanting me to do about it?” This second set of questions asks for information without first sensing the speaker’s reality. Though they may appear to be the most direct way to connect with what’s going on within the other person, I’ve found that questions like these are not the safest route to obtain the information we seek. Many such questions may give speakers the impression that we’re a schoolteacher examining them or a psychotherapist working on a case. If we do decide to ask for information in this way, however, I’ve found that people feel safer if we first reveal the feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question. Thus, instead of asking someone, “What did I do?” we might say, “I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?” While this step may not be necessary—or even helpful—in situations where our feelings and needs are clearly conveyed by the context or tone of voice, I would recommend it particularly during moments when the questions we ask are accompanied by strong emotions.

Fantastic. I especially love the point he makes that people feel safer when you first convey what's going on in you before their asking what's going on with you. That super resonates with my experience, especially with girlfriend. I'd also note (in something mental health people tend not to talk about) that it takes some of cognitive work off the upset person's plate, so that just makes it easier for them. It's also a signal that you're going to be making time and emotional space to hear them, which is naturally what they want to know BEFORE sharing something that feels socially/emotionally risky.