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Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
Had we been raised speaking a language that facilitated the expression of compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather than to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met.
In 75 percent of the television programs shown during hours when American children are most likely to be watching, the hero either kills people or beats them up. This violence typically constitutes the “climax” of the show. Viewers, having been taught that bad guys deserve to be punished, take pleasure in watching this violence.
We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation.
When we combine observation with evaluation, we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist whatever we are saying.
I explained that inferring what another person is thinking is not the same as observing his behavior.
The benefits of strengthening our feelings vocabulary are evident not only in intimate relationships but also in the professional world.
Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.
In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by: Words such as that, like, as if: “I feel that you should know better.” “I feel like a failure.” “I feel as if I’m living with a wall.” The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it: “I feel I am constantly on call.” “I feel it is useless.” Names or nouns referring to people: “I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.” “I feel my boss is being manipulative.”
it is helpful to differentiate between words that describe what we think others are doing around us, and words that describe actual feelings.
In expressing our feelings, it helps to use words that refer to specific emotions, rather than words that are vague or general.
By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts.
People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them. —Epictetus
that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment.
As we shall see, the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.
If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.
When our needs are not being fulfilled, we follow the expression of what we are observing, feeling, and needing with a specific request: we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs. How do we express our requests so that others are more willing to respond compassionately to our needs?
Vague language contributes to internal confusion.
When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do.
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
Our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.
Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking.
Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged.
The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being.
When we stay with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.
We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.
When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (1) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy; (2) scream nonviolently; or (3) take time out.
We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs.
Rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person, empathize.
Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally.
The first step in the process of fully expressing our anger is to realize that what other people do is never the cause of how we feel.
Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.
Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met.
we consciously replace the phrase “I am angry because they … ” with “I am angry because I am needing … ”
Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.
So this is our work: learning to recognize the need in statements that don’t overtly express any need. It takes practice, and it always involves some guessing. Once we sense what the other person needs, we can check in with them, and then help them put their need into words. If we are able to truly hear their need, a new level of connection is forged—a critical piece that moves the conflict toward successful resolution.
When they say “no,” they’re saying they have a need that keeps them from saying “yes” to what we are asking.
The ability to hear our own feelings and needs and empathize with them can free us from depression.
Compliments are often judgments—however positive-of others.
Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.
Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.
