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January 26, 2019
Jungians tell us that the archetype of Mars, the volatile god of war, is imbedded in everyone’s unconscious, making conflict and aggression inevitable, a kind of inherent vice.
This is in keeping with another axiom of Ahimsa: It’s not what you do that counts, it’s the quality of your attention.
In both cases, the point isn’t to change your actions but to change your consciousness. To do that, you must walk a path from A to B, where A is a life based on the incessant demands of the ego and B is selfless awareness. To be frank, nobody really desires selfless awareness; from the viewpoint of looking out for number one, it sounds at once scary and impossible. What’s the payoff if you depose the ego, which is all about payoffs? Once the ego is gone, do you sit around passively like a spiritual beanbag?
We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention.
We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking. There is a story of a man on all fours under a street lamp, searching for something. A policeman passing by asked what he was doing. “Looking for my car keys,” replied the man, who appeared slightly drunk. “Did you drop them here?” inquired the officer. “No,” answered the man, “I dropped them in the alley.” Seeing the policeman’s baffled expression, the man hastened to explain, “But the light is much better here.”
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
When we give from the heart, we do so out of the joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being.
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified.
Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests
what I am observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my life; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are requesting to enrich your life …
I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me.
Certain ways of communicating alienate us from our natural state of compassion.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.
Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
O.J. Harvey’s research at the University of Colorado. He took random samples of pieces of literature from many countries around the world and tabulated the frequency of words that classify and judge people. His study shows a high correlation between frequent use of such words and frequency of incidents. It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as “good” or “bad” and believe that the “bad” ones deserve to be punished.
Our language obscures awareness of personal responsibility.
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves: Vague, impersonal forces—“I cleaned my room because I had to.” Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history—“I drink because I am an alcoholic.” The actions of others—“I hit my child because he ran into the street.” The dictates of authority—“I lied to the client because the boss told me to.” Group pressure—“I started smoking because all my friends did.” Institutional policies, rules, and regulations—“I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.”
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We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion.
We can never make people do anything.
I believe it is in everyone’s interest that people change, not in order to avoid punishment, but because they see the change as benefiting themselves.
These views stress humans’ innate evil and deficiency, and a need for education to control our inherently undesirable nature. Such education often leaves us questioning whether there is something wrong with whatever feelings and needs we may be experiencing. We learn early to cut ourselves off from what’s going on within ourselves.
I can handle your telling me what I did or didn’t do. And I can handle your interpretations, but please don’t mix the two. If you want to confuse any issue, I can tell you how to do it: Mix together what I do with how you react to it. Tell me that you’re disappointed with the unfinished chores you see, But calling me “irresponsible” is no way to motivate me. And tell me that you’re feeling hurt when I say “no” to your advances, But calling me a frigid man won’t increase your future chances. Yes, I can handle your telling me what I did or didn’t do, And I can handle your interpretations, but
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we create many problems for ourselves by using static language to express or capture a reality that is ever changing: “Our language is an imperfect instrument created by ancient and ignorant men. It is an animistic language that invites us to talk about stability and constants, about similarities and normal and kinds, about magical transformations, quick cures, simple problems, and final solutions. Yet the world we try to symbolize with this language is a world of process, change, differences, dimensions, functions, relationships, growths, interactions, developing, learning, coping,
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observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.
“the mature person becomes able to differentiate feelings into as many nuances, strong and passionate experiences, or delicate and sensitive ones as in the different passages of music in a symphony.” For many of us, however, our feelings are, as May would describe it, “limited like notes in a bugle call.”
Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.
Feelings versus Non-Feelings A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal,” the words I feel could be more accurately replaced with I think. In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:
Distinguish feelings from thoughts.
indicates my assessment of the other person’s level of understanding rather than an actual feeling.
Words like ignored express how we interpret others, rather than how we feel.
Words such as good and bad prevent the listener from connecting easily with what we might actually be feeling.
People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them. —Epictetus
We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment.
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
Four options for receiving negative messages: 1. blame ourselves.
2. blame others.
3. sense our own feelings and needs.
4. sense others’ feelings and needs.
We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts.
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.
