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June 4 - July 22, 2024
We can never make people do anything.
When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.
When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense
When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: (1) blame ourselves, (2) blame others, (3) sense our own feelings and needs, (4) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message.
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
The more we interpret noncompliance as rejection, the more likely our requests will be heard as demands.
Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being
We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood. There is a Buddhist saying that aptly describes this ability: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”
In NVC, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
This may take extensive practice, whereby over and over again, we consciously replace the phrase “I am angry because they … ” with “I am angry because I am needing …
When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings.
Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.
