3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

by George Carlin

On Thanksgiving at our house we like variety, so we don’t have turkey every year. Last year we had a swan. It was nice; everyone got some neck.

If you really want to enjoy sports, do what I did. Become a Harlem Globetrotters fan.

There’s an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you. It proves you exist. Your mere existence caused them to alter their path. It’s a nice feeling. After you die, no one has to get out of your way anymore.

By the way, I think the whole reason we’re encouraged in this country to think of ourselves as “black and white” (instead of “pink and brown,” which is what we are) is that black and white are complete opposites that cannot be reconciled.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking. “Aw, he’s a comedian. He’s just sayin’ that stuff.” Good. That’s exactly what I want you to think.

War may be a lot of things, but it’s never a bad show.

Politics is so corrupt even the dishonest people get fucked.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I have for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.