you were groomed and idealized. You were tricked into falling in love—the strongest of all human bonds—so
I don't know how I could feel such a strong connection towards her knowing her so little. She is such a strong, independent, she has empathy about others, has charisma, what is not to like about her. How could I ever think I could be with her, or even date her, perhaps she was into me more than an acquaintance or coworker because that's how we met.
I have had problems since childhood just like her and everyone else. For some people it bothers them but makes them stronger, some of us choose to be victims of our own nightmares as I ask myself how could I ever think of dating anyone throughout my life. I never had self worth as a person, I never grew up, I just kept hating myself more and more every year that passed by, I could not deny it, I just let it be as a part of me, becoming an entity of its own and coming out when I was feeling down to bring me down even harder. I should have got professional help ever since the beginning after the abuse. I am very sorry to have felt a connection with her, my last girlfriend, a woman that deserved respect, an emotional support right by her side not just some times and others she probably did not know who she was with, she deserved love, friendship. Why could I not provide her with all these feelings I fell I wanted to give her, others have, other men were men enough to give her that and more.
I don't know why and I could not see that my thoughts were delusional. How I could I not see that I had a problem, how could I feel so much intense love for a person when I felt so much hatred inside? Self loathing is something I regret having by the bedside every night. I did not want to be manipulative or controlling, this was not me, my thoughts became unclear and my insecurities blinded my mind making me believe that she could have been cheating on me, afterall how could she not, she did not look happy. The reality is how could anyone be content be in a relationship that at one moment it could have been fun, being adorned with love and attention and the next being sad or confused why they felt fear, that is not a normal relationship, anyone would try to get love else where, why couldn't I see the big picture. How could anyone like her ever try to talk to the person she was living and not be afraid of his anger. I talk in a third person view because I feel like I am like Dr. Jekyll and Hyde, I hate the way I became. If these were the days of guillotine I would be the first volunteer not because I was a coward, a parasite and emotional abuser to this woman I thought I loved but how could I, that is not love. Love is acceptance, love does not judge, love does not cause fear and the feeling of dying inside.
I feel like a dysfunctional medmber of society, how can I make up for my behavior? Apologies are not welcome to her or anyone in her life, I feel so much remorse to have given her one of the worst, I am sure the worst relationships she have experienced. There's nothing in this world I could do or give her to revert the pain I have caused her. The harm is done and I feel so awful to have invaded her privacy to hear only a small part of how she felt about me, I flee the apartment because how I felt about myself. Yes I am a monster, I should be decapitated, burned alive or the slowest of deaths possible. I don't how I can live with myself. Everyday is a nightmare to live. I did not discarded my girlfriend , I never wanted to do that, I felt she needed to be alone and I could not bare to be ok living with her how sad she felt and miserable, the truth is that I wanted to escape, escape from my own body. Anything I do, anywhere I go I will live with this torment, I cannot live with myself realizing now and wishing to make a change to be a good man right by her side, a man that coulf fulfill all his desires to live the best life he could be with this great woman as her.
