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June 9 - July 14, 2018
we are going to have to extricate our egos from our children’s lives and allow them to feel the pride of their own accomplishments as well as the pain of their own failures.
The less we push our kids toward educational success, the more they will learn. The less we use external, or extrinsic, rewards, the more our children will engage in their education for the sake and love of learning.
Unfortunately, the methods we use to motivate our children, such as rewards, are in direct conflict with what keeps kids engaged and interested.
he concluded that just about anything humans perceive as controlling is detrimental to long-term motivation, and therefore, learning.
Establish a few, basic non-negotiable expectations, such as “Homework has to be done on time,” or “Curfew is at ten and I expect you to be here or call if something comes up.” After those expectations are made clear, older children should be allowed the autonomy to figure out for themselves the precise manner and strategy they will use in order to fulfil these expectations.
Humans are social animals, and we need to know that our efforts mean something to other people and the world.
I had to admit that yes, I would go out of my way to deliver a friend’s forgotten wallet, or my husband’s forgotten power cord, so why would I treat my children any differently? Because I’m not raising those other people. I treat my children differently because I have a greater responsibility to them than to make them happy and grateful for my love and support.
Limits give kids reassuring information about what to expect and how to act according to those expectations.
Controlling parents give lots of unsolicited advice and direction
The mistakes she makes and corrects on her own are learning moments. The mistakes you anticipate don’t benefit anyone, save for you in that brief moment when it makes you feel better that the plates are stacked northsouth instead of east-west.
Autonomy-supportive parents acknowledge children’s feelings of frustration and disappointment
the point is to create new habits that have the potential to communicate an accurate representation of our children’s abilities.
Let your children feel disappointed by failure Sit with the emotions and don’t try to jump in and resolve the situation.
Free play, and the social interactions that it fosters, are undervalued in our children’s social and emotional growth. It is a gross mistake to think that play is time unproductively spent.”
As part of a study based at the Auckland University of Technology, eight elementary schools in New Zealand agreed to eliminate recess rules, relax supervision, and stop intervening in students’ playtime. Consequently, those schools saw a reduction in bullying, fewer rule infractions, reduced need for adult supervision, and an improvement in attention and behaviour during class time.
instead I laid out the ground rules for how to “fight fair” early on, and as such, they seem to be able to resolve most things on their own. To me, “fighting fair” means only bickering about the issue at hand, never bringing up something from the past to use against a sibling, and no name calling.
Be a guide and a safe place for problem solving, rather than the problem solver.
In the end, remember that you do not have the power to change other people’s children. You can only make your expectations clear and follow through with consequences when those expectations are breached.
and I said on the way out the door “be careful,” as I always had. I then heard my husband say, “Have fun,” and for the first time, I heard the differences in our parenting approaches summed up in that one exchange. My kid had always been a careful kid, and my words, whether I said them or not, were not going to serve as some magic charm over his experience.
Just as rewards for positive behaviours are intrinsic motivation killers in academic and social contexts, they also dampen participation and enthusiasm in sports and other recreational activities.
Link to workplace drive
for instance, if a teacher is talking in class, the student should listen for the highlights he thinks are important.
They must navigate the mental leaps from football training to homework, from dinner to reading in bed. If they were not already exhausted from the school day leaps, they certainly will be by the time their heads hit the pillow.
Kids should keep their own schedule as soon as they are able. When kids are aware of and organise their own timetables, they will gain a sense of autonomy,
Keep your child on a regular sleep schedule, even on weekends and holidays. Studies show that it takes a long time to recover from even a small shift in sleep routines, and sufficient sleep is key to almost every aspect of developing executive function.
try to remember that you are dealing with a developing brain.
adolescents require detailed and explicit guidance on their execution of a given task.
The goal here is not perfection, but the acquisition of basic skills and strategies that will allow them to keep their papers in order, know where their test review sheet went, and understand how much time they have to study for next Friday’s Latin test on the imperfect tense.
Our job is not to protect them from their failures along the way, but to help them cope with setbacks as they occur,
Failures or unsuccessful attempts are the same, and students need to live through those experiences to develop a toolbox of coping mechanisms to lift them and move them forward.
Teacher feedback is valuable, so encourage it from day one. Let teachers know that you view both positive and negative observations as a vital part of your child’s education and the parent-teacher partnership.
When your child is dissatisfied with something that has happened at school, whether she is upset about a mark or feels a teacher has acted unfairly, she should always be encouraged to speak to the teacher directly.
These stressful moments, when your child’s frustration levels are high, harbour the most valuable opportunities to foster diligence, perseverance and grit in your child.
“How would you like to complete your homework?”
“Children need us to recognise their struggle and pay attention to it. That doesn’t mean intervene immediately, or to start yelling or panicking, or to come to a premature conclusion.”
I became addicted to A’s, craving more when I got snatches of praise. And I started to drift away from what I had been writing as a younger child. Before I realised it, I was writing for those little, crawling black shapes and red marks.
Getting an “A” measures that the student “knows how to play the game of school.” It does NOT always, as practiced, demonstrate real mastery of material.
Grades should be a measure of progress, not a destination,
I think John really needed that bad year to learn how to study and do things for himself,
Like most kids, John takes his cues from his parents. Your attitude about autonomy and grades will inform your child’s attitude.
