Lust & Wonder

by Augusten Burroughs

Awe, I discovered, was my favorite feeling. It was a rare experience, but when it happened, it was like an orgasm for the mind.

But then I managed to hurt him by telling him he was judgmental every day. He asked for examples, evidence, but the drowsy feeling came. The thing was, I felt he was so judgmental about almost everything that it was difficult to pluck a mere example out of the air to serve as evidence. It was like trying to prove we were in the midst of a sunny day. “Well, we just are. I mean, look.”

Or had unhappiness in one of them metastasized over the years until just watching him chew a piece of Trident gum made her grit her teeth in hatred?

Perhaps the feeling overriding everything else was just the sad realization that this gift was physical evidence—proof—that he didn’t know the very first thing about who I actually was.

I have heard people talk of their own “irrational fears.” But my fears are not irrational. They are just unlikely.