The Scrivener's Bones (Alcatraz, #2)

by Brandon Sanderson

Yes. You read that right. Evil Librarians control the world. They keep everyone in ignorance, teaching them falsehoods in place of history, geography, and politics. It’s kind of a joke to them. Why else do you think the Librarians named themselves what they did? Librarians. LIE-brarians.

I’ll eventually be tied to an altar made from outdated encyclopedias, with cultists from the Librarian Order of the Shattered Lens preparing to spill my Oculator’s blood in an unholy ceremony.

Now, there are several things you should consider doing if you are plummeting to your death atop a glass dragon in the middle of the ocean. Those things do not, mind you, include getting into an extended discussion of classical philosophy. Leave that to professionals like me.

Oh, you didn’t want to hear that? I’m sorry. You’ll simply have to forget that I wrote it. There are several convenient ways to do that. I hear hitting yourself on the head with a blunt object can be very effective. You should try using one of Brandon Sanderson’s fantasy novels. They’re big enough, and goodness knows that’s really the only useful thing to do with them.

I would like to point out that it’s not very kind to find amusement in someone else’s pain. Doing so is a very bad habit—almost as bad as reading the second book in a series without having read the first.

“I’ve been wandering through the hallways all day,” Australia said. “With those ghost things offering me books at every turn. I keep explaining that I hate reading, but they don’t listen. If I hadn’t run across your footprints, Alcatraz, I’d still be lost!”

No, life is not fair. It is, however, funny. The only thing you can do is laugh at it. Some days you have to sit in your boring chair sipping warm cocoa. Other days you get to blast your way out of a pit in the ground, and then run off to fight a half-metal monster who is holding your friend’s mother captive. Other days you need to dress like a green hamster and dance around in circles while people throw pomegranates at you.

Sanderson writes actual fantasy books— silly things that are nowhere near as factual and real as this text. He’s the president of his local chapter of THCoFWWBAWTL, and he has been known to bring swords to weddings. He’s been imprisoned for improper use of puns on three separate occasions.