The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships

by Neil Strauss

“You know, I don’t think there are many guys who, if they were staying alone in a hotel and a beautiful woman wanted to have sex with them, would turn it down.”

THE MALE DILEMMA 1. Sex is great. 2. Relationships are great. 3. Relationships grow over time. 4. The sex gets old over time. 5. So does she. 6. Thus the problem.

In the past, I would have thought this was the most beautiful thing in the world to say. Now, instead, I worry that wanting to give up “anything” for someone else’s happiness is a dysfunctional symptom of love addiction and codependence.

And I wonder: Am I even capable of love? Have I ever truly loved anyone?

Perhaps relationships are like heart surgery: Even the smallest mistake can be fatal.

“Among men and women under the age of forty today, women are just as adulterous as men.”

So goodbye sex addiction group, hello group sex.

Many women think that if they put out too quickly, their partner won’t respect them. This is not the case. It’s not about waiting for a certain quantity of time before having sex, it’s about waiting for a certain quality of connection.

“I think the mistake you made with her,” Nicole jumps in, “is that you made it all about you wanting to be with other people. You should have made it instead about wanting to have sexual adventures together. This way, you can include her rather than making it seem like a failing on her part. That’s what worked on me.”

“You kind of need to get that first marriage or big-deal relationship out of your system before you can come around to the truth that having sex with someone else has no effect on your love for each other. If anything, it can add to it.”

The thing about swinging is that it strengthens good relationships and destroys bad ones.”

“So I’d say the most important thing for you as you expand your relationships will be open and honest communication with your partners.”

“that the only people who can be abandoned are children and dependent elders. If you’re an adult, then no one can abandon you except you.”

Only after you’ve learned how to be alone without loneliness will you be ready for a relationship.”

But it turns out that the inner child is very real. It is our past. And the only way to escape the past is to embrace it.

But if the problems I have in relationships are the result of developmental immaturities, then by nurturing these stunted parts of myself into a growth spurt, perhaps I’ll finally attain the happiness and stability that have eluded me through them all.

“Love is nature’s psychotherapy.”

recovery is not about perpetually living in joy and harmony, but about shortening the time it takes to return there when you inevitably fuck it up.