The God Seed: Probing the Mystery of Spiritual Development

by M. Catherine Thomas

Russian pilgrim whose name is not known, writes his own inventory in a little work called The Way of a Pilgrim,14 from which I will quote an extensive part. In the beginning of his spiritual journey he finds himself filled with negative self-recognition. He writes of “a confession which leads the inward person to humility.” Turning my eyes carefully upon myself and watching the course of my inward state, I have verified by experience that I do not love God, that I have no love for my neighbors, that I have no religious belief, and that I am filled with pride and sensuality. All this I actually find in myself as a result of detailed examination of my feelings and conduct, thus: 1)I do not love God. For if I loved God I should be continually thinking about God with heartfelt joy. Every thought of God would give me gladness and delight. On the contrary, I much more often and much more eagerly think about earthly things, and thinking about God is labor and dryness. If I loved God, then talking with God in prayer would be my nourishment and delight and would draw me to unbroken communion with God. But, on the contrary, I not only find no delight in prayer, but even find it an effort. I struggle with reluctance, I am enfeebled by sloth, and am ready to occupy myself eagerly with any unimportant trifle, if only it shortens prayer and keeps me from it. My time slips away unnoticed in futile occupations, but when I am occupied with God, when I put myself into God’s presence, every ...