The Worm at the Core: On the Role of Death in Life

by Sheldon Solomon

“Often,” as Becker put it, “we want to say something unusually intimate to a spouse, a parent, a friend, communicate something of how we are really feeling about a sunset, who we really feel we are, only to fall strangely and miserably flat.” In existential psychotherapy, clients are helped to come to accept this undeniable truth. Only then can they come to understand what can and cannot be obtained from their relationships with other human beings. If you go into a relationship wanting the other person to know you fully, you will inevitably be disappointed and frustrated. By trying to use another person to overcome existential isolation, people are seeking too much and therefore often end up getting too little. Once the person understands what a relationship with another person cannot provide, the person can begin to focus on the positive things that they can provide. The key to forging good relationships that reduce feelings of existential isolation and loneliness is to have the goal of getting to know another person rather than the goal of meeting your own needs.