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by
Brené Brown
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February 27 - July 24, 2016
And, if you question the ability of a single spark to start a revolution, think about this: Had my mom denied her emotions and disengaged from her hurt, I seriously doubt this book would exist. It often takes just a single brave person to change the trajectory of a family, or of any system, for that matter.
Like all hustlers, the ego is a slick, conniving, and dangerous liar.
Recognizing emotion leads to feeling it.
Being all light is as dangerous as being all dark, simply because denial of emotion is what feeds the dark.
Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune in to what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future.
That’s when I realized that mindfulness and flow are never in competition with each other. They aren’t the same thing, but they share the same foundation: making the choice to pay attention.
Owning our stories means reckoning with our feelings and rumbling with our dark emotions—our fear, anger, aggression, shame, and blame. This isn’t easy, but the alternative—denying our stories and disengaging from emotion—means choosing to live our entire lives in the dark.
The rumble begins with turning up our curiosity level and becoming aware of the story we’re telling ourselves about our
three critically important questions—
1. What more do I need to learn and understand about the situation? 2. What more do I need to learn and understand about
people in the story? 3. What more do I need to learn and
In the absence of data, we will always make up stories. It’...
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What do we call a story that’s based on limited real data and imagined data and blended into a coherent, emotionally satisfying version of reality? A conspiracy theory.
Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.
we must care for and nurture the stories we tell ourselves about our creativity and ability. Just because we didn’t measure up to some standard of achievement doesn’t mean that we don’t possess gifts and talents that only we can bring to the world. Just because someone failed to see the value in what we can create or achieve doesn’t change its worth or ours.
His conclusion about conspiracy thinking on the societal level reflects some of the exact same problems at the personal and relational levels. Gottschall writes that for conspiracy theorists, “bad things do not happen because of a
Conspiracy thinking is all about fear-based self-protection and our intolerance for uncertainty.
We start weaving these hidden, false stories into our lives and they eventually distort who we are and how we relate to others.
The most effective way to foster awareness is by writing down our stories.
Our rational, grown-up selves are good liars. The five-year-old tyrants within us are the ones who can tell it like it is.
Pennebaker believes that because our minds are designed to try to understand things that happen to us, translating messy, difficult experiences into language essentially makes them “graspable.”
Understanding our fall and rise, owning our story, taking responsibility for our emotions—this is where the revolution starts.
People aren’t themselves when they’re scared.
the most compassionate people I interviewed also have the most well-defined and well-respected boundaries.
They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.
How can we expect people to put value on our work when we don’t value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?
the tired I feel from doing this kind of exploration is different than the tired I feel from being pissed off and resentful all of the time. It’s a good tired, not a cream-gravy tired.”
I know we don’t judge people when we feel good about ourselves.
We don’t compare when we’re feeling good about ourselves; we look for what’s good in others.
Self-righteousness is just the armor of self-loathing.
Setting boundaries means getting clear on what behaviors are okay and what’s not okay. Integrity is key to this commitment because it’s how we set those boundaries and ultimately hold ourselves and others accountable for respecting them.
Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them.
Boundaries are a function of self-respect and self-love.
Wholeheartedness requires being conscious of the litany of expectations that hum along below the surface so we can reality-check our thinking.
Heartbreak is what happens when love is lost.
To love with any level of intensity and honesty is to become vulnerable.
three most foundational elements of grief that emerged from my studies: loss, longing, and feeling lost.
The more difficult it is for us to articulate our experiences of loss, longing, and feeling lost to the people around us, the more disconnected and alone we feel. Of the coping strategies my research participants have shared with me, writing down experiences of heartbreak and grief
Forgiveness is so difficult because it involves death and grief.
The book outlines a forgiveness practice that includes telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness, and renewing or releasing the relationship.
The death of the idealized versions of our parents, teachers, and mentors—a stage
Of course, these new connections require emotional and physical safety. We can’t be vulnerable and open with people who are hurting us.
Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be
The brokenhearted are indeed the bravest among us—they dared to love, and they dared to forgive.
a dark, unexplored corner of my
Wholeheartedness is as much about receiving as it is about giving.
When you judge yourself for needing help, you judge those you are helping. When you attach value to giving help, you attach value to needing help. • The danger of tying your self-worth to being a helper is feeling shame when you have to ask for help. • Offering help is courageous and compassionate, but so is asking for help.
what it means to trust people.
I trust people who will ask for help or support. • If someone asks me for help, I’m more likely to trust them because they’re willing to be vulnerable and honest with me.
connection as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
