The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

by John M. Gottman

Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement. The couple’s trust in each other and the relationship declines as they become increasingly trapped in the negativity—the Roach Motel for Lovers. As the gridlock worsens, they each come to feel that the other is just plain selfish and cares only about him- or herself. They may still live together but are on the course toward leading parallel lives and inevitable loneliness—the death knell for any marriage.

Simply because a problem is solvable doesn’t mean it gets resolved. If a couple doesn’t possess effective techniques for conquering a solvable problem, it can cause excessive tension.

Negative emotions are important. Although it is stressful to listen to your partner’s negative feelings, remember that successful relationships live by the motto “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.” This is true even when your partner’s anger, sadness, disappointment, or fear is directed at you. Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.

Acceptance is crucial. It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they are unable to change.

the basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, whether solvable or perpetual, is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner’s personality.

There’s a big difference between “Sheesh, you’re a lousy driver! Slow down before you kill us!” and “I know you enjoy driving fast, but I get really nervous. Could you please slow down?” Maybe that second approach takes a bit longer. But that extra time is worth it since it is the only method that works!

So although they communicate to each other every emotion in the spectrum, including anger, irritability, disappointment, and hurt, they also communicate their fundamental fondness and respect. Whatever issue they are discussing, they give each other the message that they are loved and accepted, “warts and all.”

When couples are not able to do this, sometimes the problem is that they are unable to forgive each other for past differences. It’s all too easy to hold a grudge. For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it. When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit.

It stands to reason that when a husband and wife respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise. And yet too often couples lose their way

By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My fifth principle entails the following steps: 1. Soften your start-up. 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 3. Soothe yourself and each other. 4. Compromise. 5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, “Here. You forgot your umbrella.” We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?” We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. When a guest spills wine, we say, “No problem. Would you like another glass?” not, “You just ruined my best tablecloth. I can’t depend on you to do anything right. I will never invite you to my home again.”

Only 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because they are having frequent, devastating fights. More often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.

For many men, hearing their wife acknowledge a shared responsibility is like manna from heaven and prevents tensions from escalating.

The best soft start-up has four parts: (1) “I share some responsibility for this …” (2) Here’s how I feel … (3) about a specific situation and … (4) here’s what I need … (positive need, not what you don’t need).

In order to be effective, a soft start-up doesn’t have to be very diplomatic. But it must be devoid of criticism or contempt.

What separates stable, emotionally intelligent marriages from others is not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out but that repair attempts get through to the spouse. This is because the air between them hasn’t been clouded by a lot of negativity.

You don’t have to wait for your marriage to improve before you start hearing each other’s repair attempts. Start now by focusing intently on these brakes and training each other to recognize when one is sent your way. Do this, and you can pull yourselves out of a negative cycle.

I have found that in the vast majority of cases, when one spouse does not “get” the other’s repair attempt, it’s because the listener is flooded and therefore can’t really hear what the spouse is saying. When you’re in this condition, the most thoughtful repair attempt in the world won’t benefit your marriage.

Like it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. In an intimate, loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you’re convinced that you’re right.

Often when couples don’t succeed at compromising, it isn’t through lack of trying but because they’ve gone about it the wrong way. Negotiation is possible only after you’ve followed the steps above—softening start-up, repairing your discussion, and keeping calm. Together, these will create a positive atmosphere.

an inability to be open-minded is a real liability when it comes to conflict resolution.

We can revisit the past because it still lives in our bodies in the present. If emotional injuries aren’t addressed, they tend to become constant irritants—like a stone in your shoe that you keep walking on. People tend to ruminate about these incidents, and emotional distance can build up over time. It is perfectly normal to have past emotional injuries that need talking about, or “processing.”

Many people readily agree with the notion that a good marriage takes “work.” But what specifically does this mean? Every marriage is faced with certain emotional tasks that spouses need to accomplish together for the marriage to grow and deepen. These missions come down to attaining a rich understanding between partners that will allow both of them to feel safe and secure in the relationship.

In a recent study of young professional couples, researchers in Los Angeles calculated (after monitoring them 24/7) that the average amount of time they actually engaged in conversation was thirty-five minutes. A week! What’s more, much of their conversation was really what I would call errand-talk, such as who was going to take out the garbage or walk the kids to the school bus.

your partner is complaining that you seem more focused on your social-media profile than your marital status, that’s an issue you need to take seriously, even if you disagree. I recommend that all couples establish rules of etiquette that work for them. At the very least, such rules ought to include a ban on texting, checking e-mail, or other “cyber crimes” during mealtime, date night, or when either of you needs to talk. After all, most of us readily turn off our devices at houses of worship or theaters. We need to extend that same respect and courtesy to our spouses.

It’s little surprise to me, therefore, that research indicates habitual porn use hurts the nature and quality of sex in relationships—particularly when (as is usually the case) a partner is viewing porn alone and not as part of a couple’s mutual sexual enjoyment.

Scheduling formal griping sessions can prevent the spillover of everyday stress into your marriage.

The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of “we-ness” between husband and wife. So the husband must let his mother know that his wife does indeed come first. He is a husband, then a son.

When a husband doesn’t do his agreed-upon share of the housework, the wife usually feels disrespected and unsupported. Inevitably this leads to resentment and a less satisfying marriage.

maybe this little fact will spark a husband’s enthusiasm for domestic chores: women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic. When the husband does his share to maintain the home, both he and his wife report a more satisfying sex life than in marriages where the wife believes her husband is not doing his share. The benefits to these marriages extend beyond the bedroom. In these relationships, the women also have significantly lower heart rates during marital arguments, which means they are less likely to begin a discussion harshly and so avoid triggering that whole downward spiral of conflict involving the four horsemen and flooding that leads to divorce.

But marriage and family are not diametrically opposed. Rather, they are of one cloth. Yes, the couple should spend time away from the baby occasionally. But if they are making this transition well together, they will find that they can’t stop talking about the baby, nor do they want to. They might not even get through that first meal without calling home—at least twice. Too often, such couples are made to feel as if they have done something wrong because they have made their own relationship seemingly secondary to their new roles as parents. The result is that they feel all the more stressed and confused. But in fact, they have done something very right. The important thing here is that they are in it together. To the extent that both husband and wife make this philosophical shift, the parent-child relationship and the marriage thrive.

These results indicate that valuing and supporting the friendship between partners is the key to long-term satisfaction, sexual and otherwise. For this reason, your sex life is likely to improve as you incorporate the lessons of the Seven Principles into your daily lives.

So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are like this—indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the discussion, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other’s desires without much

Learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that lets each partner feel safe. This will enhance the experience for both of you. For example, research consistently shows that women have more orgasms when couples are able to talk comfortably about this topic.

When sex becomes about technique rather than passion and communication, the result is sexual anxiety. Men worry about their erections. Women worry about achieving orgasm. Both become self-conscious, and it all becomes difficult to talk about.

Stop thinking that sex is about orgasm and consider everything positive that happens between you as part of sex.

Don’t take it personally. I know this sounds contradictory because sex is so intimate, but to an enormous degree, what turns your partner on or off isn’t about you! Sexual proclivities are so deeply entrenched and idiosyncratic that the goal of lovemaking is to explore what works for each of you. It isn’t an implied criticism of your attractiveness, sexual virility, lovemaking skill, or innermost being if your partner likes it harder, softer, more or less kinky, with or without lingerie or dirty talk, etc.

Your sex life will benefit if you keep your sexual maps up to date. This requires talking about the experience from time to time as a way of taking each other’s sexual “temperature.”

The key to making “yes” and “no” feel less loaded is to have an agreed-upon ritual in your relationship for navigating sex. (And remember, “sex” can be any positive connecting a couple does.) A ritual is an approach, either verbal or nonverbal, that you both expect, can count on, and look forward to. It makes asking for sex explicit and routine.

Whatever a couple’s ritual for initiating sex, it’s imperative that there be no negative consequences if the partner says “no.” That can be easier said than done.

husbands who reward their wives for saying no will end up having a lot more sex!

All couples have some irreconcilable differences. But when partners can’t find a way to accommodate these perpetual disagreements, the result is gridlock.

A significant key to preventing gridlock is also to be on the lookout for those small moments where you “miss” each other’s needs. If either of you is feeling a lot of hurt over seemingly minor slights, you may want to spend some extra time on strengthening your fondness and admiration (chapter 5) and practice turning toward each other (chapter 6). Not acknowledging and talking out these small moments can make a relationship more vulnerable to gridlock over significant issues.

To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life.

spouse doesn’t respect it or you keep it hidden. Under these circumstances, either you may have open battles over the issue, or it may go underground and only be expressed symbolically.

Why do some couples cope so gracefully with these sorts of issues while others get bogged down? The difference is that the happy couples are aware of each other’s dreams and consider helping each other realize them to be one of the goals of marriage.

In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate each other’s goals into their concept of what their marriage is about.

In a happy marriage, neither spouse insists that the other give up their dream or attempts to manipulate them. They work it out as a team, taking into account each other’s wishes and desires.

The key to ending gridlock for Jeff and Katherine was (and is for all couples) to discuss openly why their position was so important to them—and in particular to open up about the history behind their position and what it meant to them.

If you’ve reached gridlock on any issue in your marriage, big or small, you need to identify which dream or dreams are fueling the conflict. One good indicator that you’re wrestling with a hidden dream is that you consider your spouse to be the source of the marital difficulty. If you find yourself saying, for example, that the problem is simply that he is a slob or she is irresponsible or overly demanding, that’s a sign of a hidden dream. It may indicate that you don’t see your part in creating the conflict because it has been hidden from view.