The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

by John M. Gottman

The more often you feel flooded by your spouse’s criticism or contempt, the more hypervigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to “blow” again. That’s why all Mack can think about is protecting himself from how awful Rita’s onslaught makes him feel.

Behind most anger is the feeling of being blocked from reaching a goal.

Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy. There’s a wide spectrum of “normal” needs in this area—some people have a greater and more frequent desire for connection, others for independence.

I have found that unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict.

If you are the one more responsible for harsh start-ups in your relationship, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to the fate of your marriage to soften up.

Don’t exclude Dad from baby care. Sometimes, in her exuberance, a new mother comes off as a know-it-all to her husband. While she agrees, in theory, that they should share the baby’s care, she casts herself into a supervisory role, constantly directing—if not ordering—the new father and even chastising him if he doesn’t do things exactly her way: “Don’t hold her like that,” “You didn’t burp him enough,” “The bath water’s too cold.” In the face of this barrage, some husbands are more than happy to withdraw, to cede the role of expert to their wives and accept their own ignorance. The sad result is that they do less and less and therefore become less and less accomplished and confident in caring for their own child. Inevitably, they begin to feel more excluded.

One of the most meaningful gifts a parent can give a child is to acknowledge his or her own mistake, to say, “I was wrong here” or “I’m sorry.” This is so powerful because it also gives the child permission to make a mistake, to admit having messed up and still be okay. It builds in the forgiveness of self. Likewise, being able to say “I’m sorry” and mean it is a pretty great gift to give your spouse—and yourself as well. The more you can imbue your relationship with the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more profound and fulfilling your lives together will be.