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February 1 - March 7, 2024
At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.
Diego Barragán Guerrero liked this
Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.
“positive sentiment override,” or PSO, a concept first proposed by University of Oregon psychologist Robert Weiss. This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.
feelings that engulf happy couples such as Nathaniel and Olivia come courtesy of their mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level. I call this connection attunement
As partners increasingly come to know and bond with each other, they build what I call their Sound Relationship House. The Seven Principles comprise the Sound Relationship House’s many floors or levels. These principles are intricately connected to trust and commitment, which form the house’s protective, weight-bearing walls.
Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.” Nonsexual betrayals can devastate a relationship as thoroughly as a sexual affair. Some common forms of deceit include being emotionally distant, siding with a parent against one’s mate, disrespecting the partner, and breaking significant promises.
the Love Lab research indicates that betrayal lies at the heart of every failed relationship.
repair attempt. This term refers to any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.
In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along”—they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.
Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict—and to learn how to live with it by honoring
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The First Sign: Harsh Start-Up
When a discussion leads off this way—with criticism and/or sarcasm, which is a form of contempt—it has begun with a “harsh start-up.”
The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
complaints, it has three parts: (1) Here’s how I feel (“I’m really angry”); (2) About a very specific situation (“you didn’t sweep last night”); (3) And here’s what I need/want/prefer (“Could you do it now?”).
criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality: “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care.”
sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor.
Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not resolved.
Belligerence, a close cousin of contempt, is just as deadly to a relationship. It is a form of aggressive anger because it contains a threat or provocation.
The Third Sign: Flooding
The Fourth Sign: Body Language
It’s a biological fact: men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives.
Frequently feeling flooded leads almost inevitably to emotional distancing, which in turn leads to feeling lonely.
The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts
The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories
Getting to know each other shouldn’t be a chore.
Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.
The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.
If your fondness and admiration are being chipped away, the route to bringing them back always begins with realizing how valuable they are.
Cherishing is a habit of mind in which, when you are separated during the course of the day, you maximize thoughts of your partner’s positive qualities and minimize thoughts of negative ones.
Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids
“I want to respond to you positively, so can you please tell me what you need right now from me? I really want to know.”
After years of studying couples in the lab and working with them directly, it has become clear to me that happy couples live by the credo “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”
“When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”
“When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”
My fifth principle entails the following steps: 1. Soften your start-up. 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 3. Soothe yourself and each other. 4. Compromise. 5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.
The best soft start-up has four parts: (1) “I share some responsibility for this …” (2) Here’s how I feel … (3) about a specific situation and … (4) here’s what I need … (positive need, not what you don’t need).
In order to be effective, a soft start-up doesn’t have to be very diplomatic. But it must be devoid of criticism or contempt.
Remember: If you go straight for the jugular, you’re going to draw plenty of blood.
Complain but don’t blame. Remember: “I feel …”; about what? … ; and “I need …”
Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.”
Just keep in mind that if your words focus on how you feel rather than on accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful.
Describe what is happening. Don’t evaluate or judge.
Be clear about your positive need.
polite. Add phrases such as “Please” and “I would appreciate it if …”
Be appreciative.
Don’t store things up.
Harsh start-up: You never touch me. Softened alternative: I loved it when you kissed me in the kitchen the other day. You are a natural-born kisser. Let’s do that some more. Harsh start-up: I see you dented the car again. When are you going to stop being so reckless? Softened alternative: I saw that new dent. What happened? I am really getting worried about your driving, and I want you to be safe. Can we talk about this? Harsh start-up: You never have time for me! Softened alternative: I have been missing you lately, and I’m getting a little lonely.
