The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

by John M. Gottman

The task: Maintaining connection and intimacy amid the distractions of the Internet Age. How much time do you think most couples spend (or should spend) talking with each other? In a recent study of young professional couples, researchers in Los Angeles calculated (after monitoring them 24/7) that the average amount of time they actually engaged in conversation was thirty-five minutes. A week! What’s more, much of their conversation was really what I would call errand-talk, such as who was going to take out the garbage or walk the kids to the school bus. I find this very sad. While there are many causes for this lack of communication, one culprit is the seemingly endless interruption that electronic gadgetry and the Internet impose on us. For many people, the instant access to information and entertainment that websites, e-mails, texts, Twitter, and video games provide transforms self-distraction into an entrenched habit that can get in the way of real connection. The solution: If your partner is complaining that you seem more focused on your social-media profile than your marital status, that’s an issue you need to take seriously, even if you disagree. I recommend that all couples establish rules of etiquette that work for them. At the very least, such rules ought to include a ban on texting, checking e-mail, or other “cyber crimes” during mealtime, date night, or when either of you needs to talk. After all, most of us readily turn off our devices at houses of worship or ...