The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

by John M. Gottman

I Feel 1. I’m getting scared. 2. Please say that more gently. 3. Did I do something wrong? 4. That hurt my feelings. 5. That felt like an insult. 6. I’m feeling sad. 7. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that? 8. I’m feeling unappreciated. 9. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that? 10. Please don’t lecture me. 11. I don’t feel like you understand me right now. 12. I am starting to feel flooded. 13. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that? 14. I’m getting worried. I Need to Calm Down 1. Can you make things safer for me? 2. I need things to be calmer right now. 3. I need your support right now. 4. Just listen to me right now and try to understand. 5. Tell me you love me. 6. Can I have a kiss? 7. Can I take that back? 8. Please be gentler with me. 9. Please help me calm down. 10. Please be quiet and listen to me. 11. This is important to me. Please listen. 12. I need to finish what I was saying. 13. I am starting to feel flooded. 14. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that? 15. Can we take a break? Sorry 1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry. 2. I really blew that one. 3. Let me try again. 4. I want to be gentler toward you right now, and I don’t know how. 5. Tell me what you hear me saying. 6. I can see my part in all this. 7. How can I make things better? 8. Let’s try that over again. 9. What you are saying is … 10. Let me start again in a softer way. 11. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Get to Yes 1. You’re starting to convince me. 2. I agree with part of what you’re saying...