The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

by John M. Gottman

Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.

After the Honeymoon:

No one is right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones. This is true whether the disagreement is solvable or perpetual. As my friend Dan Siegel says, “There is no immaculate perception.” It will help you resolve your differences if you remember this basic truth. Acceptance is crucial. It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege, and they dig in. Therefore, the basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, whether solvable or perpetual, is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner’s personality. Before you ask your spouse to change the way he or she drives, eats, vacuums, or makes love, you must make sure your partner feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned. There’s a big difference between “Sheesh, you’re a lousy driver! Slow down before you kill us!” and “I know you enjoy driving fast, but I get really nervous. Could you please slow down?” Maybe that second approach takes a bit longer. But that extra time is worth it since it is the only method that works! Adults could learn something in this regard from research into child development. Children thrive when we express understanding and respect for their emotions (“That doggie scared you,” “You’re crying because you’re sad right now,” “...

on the weekends. Harsh start-up: You have no idea how to have a good time. You’re a workaholic. Your softened alternative: 7. You wish that the two of you could save more money. Harsh start-up: You don’t have a clue about how to manage money. Your softened alternative: 8. You wish your partner would spend more money buying you surprise presents. Harsh start-up: When was the last time you bought me anything? Your softened alternative: Sample Answers

on the weekends. Harsh start-up: You have no idea how to have a good time. You’re a workaholic. Your softened alternative: 7. You wish that the two of you could save more money. Harsh start-up: You don’t have a clue about how to manage money. Your softened alternative: 8. You wish your partner would spend more money buying you surprise presents. Harsh start-up: When was the last time you bought me anything? Your softened alternative: Sample Answers

I Feel 1. I’m getting scared. 2. Please say that more gently. 3. Did I do something wrong? 4. That hurt my feelings. 5. That felt like an insult. 6. I’m feeling sad. 7. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that? 8. I’m feeling unappreciated. 9. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that? 10. Please don’t lecture me. 11. I don’t feel like you understand me right now. 12. I am starting to feel flooded. 13. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that? 14. I’m getting worried. I Need to Calm Down 1. Can you make things safer for me? 2. I need things to be calmer right now. 3. I need your support right now. 4. Just listen to me right now and try to understand. 5. Tell me you love me. 6. Can I have a kiss? 7. Can I take that back? 8. Please be gentler with me. 9. Please help me calm down. 10. Please be quiet and listen to me. 11. This is important to me. Please listen. 12. I need to finish what I was saying. 13. I am starting to feel flooded. 14. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that? 15. Can we take a break? Sorry 1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry. 2. I really blew that one. 3. Let me try again. 4. I want to be gentler toward you right now, and I don’t know how. 5. Tell me what you hear me saying. 6. I can see my part in all this. 7. How can I make things better? 8. Let’s try that over again. 9. What you are saying is … 10. Let me start again in a softer way. 11. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Get to Yes 1. You’re starting to convince me. 2. I agree with part of what you’re saying...

It is harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument than a woman’s.

Like it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. In an intimate, loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you’re convinced that you’re right. This approach would create such inequity and unfairness that the marriage would suffer. Often when couples don’t succeed at compromising, it isn’t through lack of trying but because they’ve gone about it the wrong way. Negotiation is possible only after you’ve followed the steps above—softening start-up, repairing your discussion, and keeping calm. Together, these will create a positive atmosphere. Remember: Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other. You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles. Instead, you will be on a relentless campaign to alter your spouse. Too often a marriage gets bogged down in “if only.” If only your spouse were taller, richer, smarter, neater, or sexier, all of your problems would vanish. Unlike cherishing, which nurtures gratitude for what you have, “if only” nurtures resentment for what you don’t have. As long as this attitude prevails, conflicts will be very difficult to resolve.

As I’ve said, men tend to have a harder time accepting influence from their wives than vice versa. But whatever your gender, an inability to be open-minded is a real liability when it comes to conflict resolution. So

objective bystander would consider reasonable.

When you are able to compromise on a solvable problem in a way that leaves you both satisfied, you prevent the issue from turning into a damaging, gridlocked conflict. But these arguments can still leave scars, even if you get past the issues that triggered them. I call this residual damage an “emotional injury.” William Faulkner said it best in Requiem for a Nun: “The past is never dead. In fact, it’s not even past.” We can revisit the past because it still lives in our bodies in the present. If emotional injuries aren’t addressed, they tend to become constant irritants—like a stone in your shoe that you keep walking on. People tend to ruminate about these incidents, and emotional distance can build up over time. It is perfectly normal to have past emotional injuries that need talking about, or “processing.” If this has happened to you when you disagreed or hurt each other, the culprit is not what you were fighting about but how you were fighting. The following in-depth exercise gets to the bottom of this by examining what tends to go on between you during a disagreement. Analyzing this together will afford you a deeper understanding of how you are each experiencing your arguments. This knowledge will help make your future conflicts less emotionally bruising.

The task: Maintaining connection and intimacy amid the distractions of the Internet Age. How much time do you think most couples spend (or should spend) talking with each other? In a recent study of young professional couples, researchers in Los Angeles calculated (after monitoring them 24/7) that the average amount of time they actually engaged in conversation was thirty-five minutes. A week! What’s more, much of their conversation was really what I would call errand-talk, such as who was going to take out the garbage or walk the kids to the school bus. I find this very sad. While there are many causes for this lack of communication, one culprit is the seemingly endless interruption that electronic gadgetry and the Internet impose on us. For many people, the instant access to information and entertainment that websites, e-mails, texts, Twitter, and video games provide transforms self-distraction into an entrenched habit that can get in the way of real connection. The solution: If your partner is complaining that you seem more focused on your social-media profile than your marital status, that’s an issue you need to take seriously, even if you disagree. I recommend that all couples establish rules of etiquette that work for them. At the very least, such rules ought to include a ban on texting, checking e-mail, or other “cyber crimes” during mealtime, date night, or when either of you needs to talk. After all, most of us readily turn off our devices at houses of worship or ...

Scheduling formal griping sessions can prevent the spillover of everyday stress into your marriage.

The solution: Acknowledge that at the end of a long, stressful day you may need time to yourselves to decompress before interacting with each other. If you are feeling suddenly outraged by something your spouse did, realize that the incident may be overblown in your mind because you’re feeling so tense. Likewise, if your spouse comes home with a cloud over his or her head and your “What’s wrong?” gets answered with a snarl, try not to take it personally. He or she probably just had a bad day. Rather than making the situation worse by lashing out, let it go.