The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

by John M. Gottman

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

PILLAR ONE: RITUALS OF CONNECTION

By recognizing the ongoing value and significance of the rituals you each bring to your relationship, and the new ones you create together, you further your identity as a family.

The hallmark of rituals of connection is that they are not haphazard. They are structured, scripted traditions that you can depend on.

PILLAR TWO: SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER’S ROLES

PILLAR THREE: SHARED GOALS

PILLAR FOUR: SHARED VALUES AND SYMBOLS

Even if on occasion your goodnight kiss just lasts for microseconds, think of it as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day. In other words, always lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

He has found that people with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.

(Be careful not to address any issues right before bedtime. This could interfere with your sleep.)

Unlike complaints—specific requests for change—criticism doesn’t make a marriage better.

One of the most meaningful gifts a parent can give a child is to acknowledge his or her own mistake, to say, “I was wrong here” or “I’m sorry.” This is so powerful because it also gives the child permission to make a mistake, to admit having messed up and still be okay.