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The warning signs were almost always there early on if they had known what to look for. You can see the seeds of trouble in (1) what partners actually say to each other (the prevalence of harsh start-up, the four horsemen, and the unwillingness to accept influence), (2) the failure of their repair attempts, (3) physiological reactions (flooding), or (4) pervasive negative thoughts about their marriage. Any of these signs suggests that, unless there is change in how the couple interact, emotional separation and, in most cases, divorce may only be a matter of time.
love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information
as
the facts and feelings of their spouse’s...
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Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them? No wonder the biblical term for sexual love is to “know.”
The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.
The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted
with
him
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or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent you from being troun...
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the key to reinvigorating fondness
and
admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what...
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Active
Adventurous
Appreciative
Authentic
Brave
Capable
Caring
Compassionate
Conscientious
Considerate
Dedicated
Dependable
Devoted
Empathetic
Friendly
Fun
F...
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Gen...
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Giving
Hardworking
Honest
Honorable
Humorous
Intelligent
Interesting
Inventive
Joyful
Kind
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Knowled...
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Likable
Lively
Lo...
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L...
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L...
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Nurturing
Organized
Outgoing
