Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny

by Holly Madison

Deeper and deeper I fell down the rabbit hole.

Like Beauty locked up in the Beast’s castle, I developed my own brand of Stockholm syndrome, identifying with my captor.

But it was too late. The switch had been flipped. It wasn’t one thing in particular, but more a cocktail of the last few months: his verbal lashings, my newfound confidence as a career woman, and the affirmations of another man all allowed me to see that the fears I’d been living under for seven years were just smoke and mirrors. Now the thought of living with the unfounded “cheater” moniker was just too much to take. I couldn’t stay any longer.

I knew Hef wasn’t in love with me. He was in love with the idea of being in love. He was in love with the routine and convenience of our relationship. I wasn’t interested in settling anymore, I was looking for my happily ever after.

“No one,” he said, pausing for emphasis, “will ever love you as much as I do.” He enunciated the sentence slowly, as if he were making a grand speech. I had no words. Instead, I gave him a friendly hug in order to avoid actually speaking to him. I know he was trying to sound romantic, as if he were pledging his undying love, but to me his comment sounded like a slight. I knew I deserved better—and there’s no way his kind of love was the best the world had to offer.

Hef knew how desperate, sad, and broken I was but didn’t do a damn thing about it. I’d given seven years of my life to a man who couldn’t even have a conversation with me.

Maybe I wasn’t defined by the mistakes I had made after all . . . maybe those decisions were what allowed me to become the person I was always destined to be.

Marriage and family are certainly beautiful parts of life, but I believe those things can truly be appreciated only when we find, love, and respect ourselves first. Pasquale didn’t come to me at a time in my life when I needed rescuing most—he came when I didn’t actually need to be rescued at all. And because of that, we developed a true and meaningful partnership. He’s my Prince Charming, but I didn’t need saving. I saved myself.