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IRONY: THE OPPOSITE OF WRINKLY. — T-SHIRT
“It induces labor. It’s about time for Beep to move out. Cut her hair. Get a job. I need a flat belly.” “Have you tried crunches?” “I just don’t get it. I’m supernatural. You’re supernatural. Why can’t we have one of those quick pregnancies like Bella and Edward? Gwen from Torchwood. Scully. Deanna Troi. Or even Cordelia when that demon impregnated her. Twenty-four hours later, bam! Demon child.”
He supped on human souls. Fortunately, I’d convinced him to sup only on the souls of humans who did not deserve them, like murderers, drug dealers, child molesters, and lobbyists.
“We watch movies while Uncle Reyes makes cockporn.” Everyone in the immediate area stilled while Reyes and I pressed our mouths together, trying not to crack up. This was a serious situation, and cracking up now would just be wrong. “Popcorn, honey,” Amador said. Then he looked at Bianca. “Hon, she really needs to learn how to say that word.”
“Are you free?” he asked. “No, but I’m on sale for a dollar ninety-nine.”
“You’re no help whatsoever.” “Well, I do have one word of advice: Don’t take her to hell. I’ve heard it’s really dry there this time of year.” “You’re worse than no help.”
I hated being left out of the loop. I loved loops. People didn’t understand that about me.
“If you do that math —” I gaped at him in horror. I had no idea there would be math involved.
“So, you’ve been counseling her? Five syllables: antipsychotic. They do wonders.”
ANXIETY GIRL! ABLE TO JUMP TO THE WRONG CONCLUSION IN A SINGLE BOUND. — T-SHIRT
“But you trick them into giving up their souls.” He spread his hands wide, acquiescing. “That was the old me. This is the new.” “You no longer trick them?” “Oh, I trick them. Really, it’s just too easy. But I only trick the bad ones, remember?” he added quickly when I scowled at him. “Child molesters and such. As per your request,” he mocked. “And people who talk at the theater. Don’t forget people who talk at the theater.” One corner of his mouth tipped up. “I wouldn’t dare.”
APPLICANTS MUST PASS AN ORAL EXAM BEFORE ADVANCING TO THE NEXT COURSE. — NOVELTY UNDERWEAR
With a resigned sigh, he lifted the shirt over his head, his muscles bunching as he did so, and turned to face the mirror. And that was when I decided to take up gardening as I planted my face in the floor behind him.
Then I bolted upright. “Coffee,” I whispered, the word like a delicate snowflake on my mouth. “I can have coffee now.” It was like the heavens had opened up and God smiled down on me. “Aren’t you going to breast-feed?” And they closed again. “Yes.”
