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Unhealthy Commandment 4: Don’t Rock the Boat as Long as the Work Gets Done
We view conflict as a sign that something is wrong, so we do whatever we can to avoid it. We prefer to ignore difficult issues and settle for a false peace, hoping our difficulties will somehow disappear on their own.
If we allow ourselves and our leadership to be formed by these faulty, unspoken commandments — even in small ways — we increase the likelihood of devastating, long-term consequences. Odds are good we will damage ourselves — physically, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. We may well damage
our families and friends because they get only the leftovers of our attention and energy.
I know that voice well. So trust me when I tell you not to listen to it. Know that God invites you to take only one step at a time, one day at a time. God also understands that growth and change take time.
The Five-Stage Process of How We Learn and Change
5 levels to creating a new value in life
1. Awareness: “Slowing down is an interesting idea.”
2. Ponder: “Help me understand more about slowing down.”
3. Value: “I really believe it is important for everybody to slow down.”
4. Prioritize: “I am shifting my entire life around as I slow down to be with Jesus.”
5. Own: “All my decisions and actions are based on this new value.”
Lasting change in churches and organizations requires men and women committed to leading from a deep and transformed inner life. We lead more out of who we are than out of what we do, strategic or otherwise.
Mature spiritual leadership is forged in the crucible of difficult conversations, the pressure of conflicted relationships, the pain of setbacks, and dark nights of the soul. Out of these experiences, we come to understand the complex nature of our inner world.
Yet the first and most difficult task we face as leaders is to lead ourselves. Why? Because it requires confronting parts of who we are that we prefer to neglect, forget, or deny.
What Is the Shadow?
Your shadow is the accumulation of untamed emotions, less-than-pure motives and thoughts that, while largely unconscious, strongly influence and shape your behaviors. It is the damaged but mostly hidden version of who you are. The shadow may erupt in various forms. Sometimes it reveals itself in sinful behaviors, such as judgmental perfectionism, outbursts of anger, jealousy, resentment, lust, greed, or bitterness. Or it may reveal itself more subtly through a need to rescue others and be liked by people, a need to be noticed, an inability to stop working, a tendency toward isolation, or
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Many of us have gifts in speaking and in mobilizing people. That is good. The shadow side of these gifts may be an insatiable need for affirmation. Even public sharing of repentance and failure may be motivated by an unconscious hunger for approval. It is also not uncommon for those of us with gifts of public speaking to use them to distance ourselves from close relationships.
We value excellence. That is good. The shadow side emerges when the pursuit of excellence crosses into perfectionism that makes no allowances for mistakes.
We are zealous for God’s truth and right doctrine. That is good. The shadow emerges when our zeal prevents us from loving those who disagree with us. It is driven by our own insecurities and fears about feeling competent and “right.”
We want to see the church maximize its potential
for Christ. That is good. However, the shadow takes over when we become so preoccupied with achieving objectives that we are unwilling or unable to listen to others and create ...
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We love to serve. That is good. The shadow reveals itself when we hide ourselves in the kitchen at social events to avoid talking to people.
We accept a new assignment in a different city. That is good. The shadow emerges when, before we leave, we pick a fight with another leader at our current assignment over issues that never bothered us before.
“Where does that come from?”
The first extreme view says, I am totally bad. I am terribly sinful and no good thing dwells inside me (see Romans 7:18). The other extreme declares, I am totally good. I am a new creation in Christ, a saint who is wonderfully and uniquely made (see 2 Corinthians 5:17; Psalm 139:14). Both views have elements of truth in them, but holding to one without the other leads us into a biblical distortion. To have a healthy perspective on the shadow, we have to hold both together in a healthy tension.
You Know It’s Your Shadow When You . . . • Act out inappropriately when under pressure. • Don’t want someone to succeed because they’ve hurt you. • Are triggered by a person or circumstance and say things you later regret.
Disregard your spouse or coworker when they bring up a difficult issue about you and your behavior. • Keep doing the same thing over and over even though the consequences remain negative. • Are angry, jealous, and envious — a lot. • Do and say things out of fear of what other people think. • Get busier rather than more reflective when you are anxious. • Tend to idealize others who seem to have been given special gifts by God, forgetting they too have a shadow and are broken like you. • Make negative comments to others about those who frustrate you rather than go to them directly.
denial, minimizing, blaming yourself, blaming others, rationalizing, distracting, or projecting anger outward.
Your Shadow Will Undermine the Best of Who You Are
In fact, emotional intelligence in the workplace trumps almost every other factor — IQ, personality, education, experience, and gifts — when it comes to effective performance for leaders.
The first revolved around validation.
The second issue concerned lying and truth telling.
I wasn’t being honest — with myself, the staff, or the church. I did not give staff honest feedback about their performance lest they feel bad. I avoided asking difficult questions, fearful it might lead to answers I didn’t want to hear. I gave the impression things were sometimes better than they were. I appeared happy when I was not.
The third issue related to pessimism about my ability to provide strong organizational leadership.
Like most pastors and leaders, I gravitated to the things I liked, such as teaching an extra summer class on the book of Revelation, rather than take the time to really think about staff, budgets, and supervision meetings. In the short term I soothed my anxiety, but in the long term I only increased it.
The degree to which you recognize and engage your own shadow is the degree to which you can free others to face theirs.
Acknowledging, rather than denying the reality and depth of the shadow, is one indication of emotional and spiritual maturity.
Your Shadow Will Blind You to the Shadow of Others
When we refuse to confront our own shadow, we will either be blind to or fail to take into account the shadows of others.
So when someone puts you on a pedestal, idealizing you and projecting onto you qualities that appear to distinguish you and set you apart from the rest of fallen humanity, remember that they may despise you someday when they eventually realize you too have a shadow.
The Gifts of Choosing to Face Your Shadow
You Break the Shadow’s Hidden Power
One of the great truths of life is this: You cannot change what you are unaware of. However, once we acknowledge our shadow — both its root causes and expressions — her power over us is diminished, if not broken.
I also met with wise mentors and counselors who coached me in the executive functions of leadership — hiring, transitioning people, strategic planning, budget planning, managing large projects, etc.
“I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places” (Isaiah 45:3).
Living a good life often requires integrating a bundle of contrasts into a durable whole.
There really are only two options when it comes to the shadow. We can ignore it until we hit a wall, with pain so great we have no choice but to face up to it. Or we can be proactive, courageously looking at the factors that contributed to its formation.
1. Tame Your Feelings by Naming Your Feelings
Neuroscientists now confirm that growing up in family environments where feelings are not expressed leads to underdevelopment in parts of the brain.
