Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

This triggers what Herbert Benson, a pioneer in the field of mind/body medicine, described as the relaxation response—the same response you’re invoking if you practice meditation. In this physiological state, a person’s heart rate, metabolism, breathing rate, and brainwaves all slow—the exact opposite of the fight-or-flight response. This triggers a calming chemical cascade that allows the person to exhale and “listen to the quiet.” (I recommend this approach if you’re dealing with a child or teen who’s venting uncontrollably).

The most successful people are those who don’t have any illusions about who they are. —BUD BRAY, AUTHOR, IS IT TOO LATE TO RUN AWAY AND JOIN THE CIRCUS?

out? Dissonance. Dissonance occurs when you think you’re coming across in one way but people see you in a totally different way.

Dissonance also happens when you think you’re coming off as wise, but people see you as being sly—or when you think you’re coming off as passionate, but other people think you’re “over the top.” When that happens, the result is buy-out. Dissonance works the other way around, too: it occurs when you think you perceive someone else accurately, but the other person doesn’t agree. There’s hardly anything more annoying to another person than hearing you say, “I know where you’re coming from,” when you don’t really have a clue. Often this happens when you aren’t listening deeply enough to know what the other person is trying to communicate. Dissonance makes a person stop thinking “What can this person do for me?” and start wondering, “What is this person planning to do to me?” It also keeps you and another person from connecting—or, from a neurological point of view, achieving mirror neuron empathy—because you’re not sending the message you think you’re sending.

The greatest single cause of dissonance is the fact that people behave their worst when they feel most powerless.

Dissonance keeps you from reaching people, and it keeps other people from reaching you.

BELIEVING YOU ARE: WHEN OTHERS PERCEIVE YOU AS: Shrewd Sly Confident Arrogant Humorous Inappropriate Energetic Hyper A Person with Strong Opinions Opinionated Passionate Impulsive Strong Rigid Detail oriented Nitpicking Quiet Passive or Indecisive Sensitive Needy

So far I’ve talked about the kind of dissonance you can prevent. But not all dissonance is your fault and not all dissonance is avoidable. If you travel abroad or you work or live with people

Fortunately, preventing this problem is surprisingly simple. Being able to articulate awkwardness while being polite and respectful plays well in any culture, so here’s all you need to do: simply admit up front that you’re likely to screw up.

So if you travel, and particularly if you participate in crucial cross-cultural business meetings, remember the art of “preemptive humility” to defuse dissonance—and never leave home without it.

Don’t be afraid of sharing your vulnerabilities. Vulnerability doesn’t make you weak, it makes you accessible. Know that your vulnerability can be your strength. —KEITH FERRAZZI, AUTHOR, WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK

it’s much better to reach out for help before you mess up. When you wait until you mess up and then ask for help, others may see it as a way to get out of being punished. Even so, it’s better to reach out after a screw-up than to avoid reaching out at all.

Owning up to your feeling of vulnerability is empowering. It prevents an amygdala hijack that could result in rash decisions and seriously bad life choices. It allows you to exhale, rather than blowing up. Doing the opposite—pretending you’re fine when your world is imploding—can be dangerous or even deadly.

When you bare your neck, however—when you find the courage to say “I’m afraid” or “I’m lonely” or “I don’t know how to get through this”—the other person will immediately mirror your true feelings. It’s biology; he or she can’t help it. The person will know how bad you feel, and even feel the same pain. As a result the individual will want your pain (which is now, to some degree, his or her own pain) to stop. That leads to a desire to help . . . and a desire to help leads to a solution.

Exposing your vulnerabilities can also create instant bonds strong enough to turn total strangers into friends. My partner Keith Ferrazzi uses the bare-your-neck approach at training sessions to get people to let down their guard and—as he puts it—“share the stuff that makes them human.” He says,

When you’re cornered and everything inside you makes you feel like baring your teeth, reach deeper into yourself, feel your fear, and bare your neck instead.

A toxic person robs you of your self-esteem and dignity and poisons the essence of who you are. —LILIAN GLASS, PSYCHOLOGIST

constant help and attention, use emotional blackmail to get it, and offer gratitude only if it keeps you on the hook. Perpetually needy people suck the life out of you, because no matter what you do for them, it’s never enough. They don’t lean toward you for occasional support; they lean on you until they crush you. And once they latch on to you, they’ll almost never leave. (Why on earth would they?) Try to pry them off, and they’ll grab on even tighter.

The lesson is simple: Bullies come after you because they think you’re easy prey. Refuse to follow their script, and they’ll usually give up and seek an easier target.

insist each time on a quid pro quo—and the taker will move on to easier prey.

Narcissists often are huge successes in life, and going along for the ride can be a heady experience. Sometimes, it’ll get you to high places. Other times, it’ll humiliate you (as Eliot Spitzer’s wife learned when he tumbled from grace). It’s your call—but don’t expect a fifty-fifty relationship if you stay.

Odds are, you’ll run into one of these people at some point in your life. If so, follow this rule: get away. Go. Run. Chew off your leg to escape the trap, if you have to. Because these people will ruin you financially, crush you emotionally, and destroy your life if it helps them—and they’ll never look back.

They manipulate people like chess pieces, with no regard to the pain they cause. They’re predatory thrill seekers. They lie easily and don’t care if they get caught. They’re glib, charismatic, and charming. They crave power and do whatever it takes to get it. They use people for sexual or financial purposes and then discard them.

When you feel yourself starting to go astray—for instance, if you’re ready to explode at a colleague whose support you’re trying to win, or you’re on the sixth day of quitting smoking and you’re thinking of running to the store for cigarettes—follow these six steps:

1. Practice physical awareness. Identify sensations like tension, a pounding heart, a craving, or lightheadedness. Pinpoint them and give them a name. This will help you control them. 2. Practice emotional awareness. Attach an emotion to the sensations you’re feeling. For instance, say to yourself, “I’m very angry” or “I’m desperate.” Naming your feeling will help prevent the amygdala hijack I talk about in Chapter 2. 3. Practice impulse awareness. Say to yourself, “This feeling makes me want to _____________ .” Being aware of your impulse will help you resist it. 4. Practice consequence awareness. Answer this question: “If I follow through with this urge, what is likely to happen?” 5. Practice solution awareness. Complete this sentence: “A better thing to do would be. . . .” 6. Practice benefit awareness. Say to yourself, “If I do that better thing the benefits will be. . . .”

By the time you get through these six steps, you’ll know what you need to do to stay on course and avoid a potentially disastrous meltdown—and you’ll be calm enough to listen to your own advice.