Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

■ THE “OH F#@& TO OK” SPEED DRILL ■ “Oh F#@&” (The Reaction Phase): Do NOT deny that you’re upset and afraid. Instead, identify your feelings and acknowledge them, silently using words to describe your feelings. (“I’m really scared. I’m so afraid I could lose my job over this.”) Say this out loud if you’re alone, because the physical act of exhaling as you speak will help to calm you. If you’re in a position where you can get away for a minute or two, do so. If not, do not talk to anyone else during these first few seconds. You need to focus entirely on acknowledging and working up from your anger or panic. If you’re in a position to keep your eyes closed for a minute or so do so. “Oh God” (The Release Phase): After you admit the powerful emotion you’re feeling, breathe deeply and slowly through your nose with your eyes closed and let it go. Keep doing this as long as it takes to let it go. After you’ve released your emotions, keep breathing and r-e-l-a-x. This will allow you to begin to regain your inner balance. “Oh Jeez” (The Recenter Phase): Keep breathing and, with each breath, let yourself go from Defcon 1 back down to Defcon 2, 3, 4, and 5. It may help to say these words as you go through this transition: “Oh F#@&!” “Oh God.” “Oh jeez.” “Oh well. . . .” “Oh Well” (The Refocusing Phase): Start to think of what you can do to control the damage and make the best of the situation. “OK” (The Re-engaging Phase) If you’ve had your eyes closed up to now, open them. Then do ...