Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them.

we constantly mirror the world, conforming to its needs, trying to win its love and approval. And each time we mirror the world, it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back. If that hunger isn’t filled, we develop what I refer to as “mirror neuron gap.”

Think of someone you’re trying to reach who either makes excuses or pushes back in some manner. Put yourself in the person’s shoes and ask yourself, “What would I feel in this person’s position? Frustrated? Scared? Angry?” Approach the person, and say, “I need to talk to you about something. I was so busy feeling upset with you and then acting impatient and irritated that I stepped on your toes instead of walking in your shoes. When I stopped to do that, I thought if I were you, I’d feel frustrated (scared, angry, etc.). Is that true?” When the person tells you what he or she feels, find out what’s causing the feeling and what needs to be different for the person to feel better and achieve more.

One thing most of these high-maintenance, easy-to-upset, difficult-to-please people have in common is that they feel as if the world isn’t treating them well enough. In essence, they don’t feel important or special enough in the world, usually because their awful personality has gotten in the way of success. In Chapter 2, I talked about how our brains “mirror” other people and how we want to be mirrored back. People who complain and cause problems typically have a serious mirror neuron gap, and the more other people avoid or ignore them, the worse it gets. Every day, they try to impress or overpower the people around them . . . and every day they fail to get the feedback they’re seeking. They’re starving for attention, and if they can’t find a good way to achieve the sense of importance they crave, they’ll look for a bad way. (Call it the Graffiti Rule.)

The good people in your life need and deserve reassurance that they’re valued—and the annoying people in your life may not deserve it, but they need it even more. Give both of them what they want—a feeling that they matter—and they’ll give you what you need.

YOU: What’s something that would be impossible to do, but if you could do it, would dramatically increase your success? OTHER PERSON: If I could just do ____ , but that’s impossible. YOU: Okay. What would make it possible?