Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

In a business setting, the best way I’ve discovered is to ask questions like these: “How’d you get into what you do?” (I credit Los Angeles super mediator Jeff Kichaven with this; he says it never fails to start and keep people talking.) “What do you like best about it?” “What are you trying to accomplish that’s important to you in your career (business, life, etc.)?” “Why is that important to you?” “If you were to accomplish that, what would it mean to you and what would it enable you to do?” In personal relationships—for instance, at a party or on a first date—questions like these can often trigger a heartfelt response: “What’s the best (or worst) part of (coaching your kid’s soccer team, being away from home, etc.)?” “What person has had the biggest influence on your life?” “Is that the person you’re most grateful to? If not, who is?” “Did you ever get a chance to thank that individual?” (If the person asks, “Why are you asking these questions?,” you can say: “I find giving people the chance to talk about who they’re grateful to brings out the best in them.”) “I’d like you to imagine that life is perfect … okay, tell me—what do you see?” (I credit Los Angeles–based human resource specialist Monica Urquidi with this tip. If the person asks why you’re asking this, say: “I find that learning about people’s hopes and dreams tells me what’s important to them—that’s a good thing to know, don’t you think?”)