Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

From resisting to listening From listening to considering From considering to willing to do From willing to do to doing From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

My theory, which my clinical findings support, is that we constantly mirror the world, conforming to its needs, trying to win its love and approval. And each time we mirror the world, it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back. If that hunger isn’t filled, we develop what I refer to as “mirror neuron gap.”

“When bad things happen, if you resist the temptation to do anything that will make matters worse, you will discover valuable things about your company and yourself that you would never have learned had you not taken the hit.”

The solution, I explained: Get rid of the filter. The stuff you think you already know about someone—“lazy,” “loser,” “whiny,” “hostile,” “impossible”—is, in reality, blocking out what you need to know. Remove that mental block, and you’re ready to start reaching people you thought were unreachable.

without realizing it, we categorize people instantly in the following sequence: Gender Generation (age) Nationality (or ethnicity) Education Level Emotion

Transacting is fine if your goal is to exchange information or negotiate contracts, but it has a fatal flaw: it doesn’t open the mind or the heart. A transactional communication is like an encounter with your ATM. Money comes out of your bank account, money goes into your hand, and everything’s utterly fair—but you don’t feel like saying “Gosh, thanks!” when it’s over.

Transactional communications don’t create traction in a relationship because they’re impersonal and shallow.

you need to move beyond transacting to relating. How? By asking questions that let the other person tell you: “This is what I think,” This is who I am,” “This is what I want to achieve,” or “This is how you can play a part in making my life better.”