Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

Think of someone who frequently frustrates, angers, hurts, or disappoints you. This may be someone in your family, someone at work, or a friend. 2. Imagine that person doing one of the things that frustrates you. Select a behavior that, on an aggravation scale of 1 to 10, is at least an 8. Get this picture fully in your mind and be conscious of how it makes you feel as you think about it. 3. Now, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagine what the person would say if I asked what angers, hurts, or frustrates him or her most about you. Imagine you are the other person and say what this person would probably answer, such as, you’re hypercritical, you’re judgmental, you always want to play the martyr, or you’re controlling. Be honest about the negative things you do in this relationship. 4. Next, imagine that I ask this person how much it upsets him or her to be so frustrated and upset with you. Again, put yourself in this person’s shoes and say, “A lot.” 5. Now imagine me asking the other person, “Can you describe something hurtful that this person (you) has done?” Think about any hurtful acts you’ve committed in this relationship, and how they made the other person feel, and answer as if you’re that person. 6. Finally, on that same scale of 1 to 10, rate how you now score your level of aggravation with this person.