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Blue headed toward the kitchen and Ronan jogged on ahead of her, jostling her intentionally with his hip. “You asshole,” she said, and he laughed merrily.
“I suppose … she makes me quiet. Like Henrietta.”
“Why do we breathe air? Because we love air? Because we don’t want to suffocate. Why do we eat? Because we don’t want to starve. How do I know I love her? Because I can sleep after I talk to her. Why?”
“Ronan kissed me,” Adam said immediately. The words had clearly been queued up. He gazed studiously into the front yard. When Gansey didn’t immediately say anything, Adam added, “I also kissed him.” “Jesus,” Gansey said. “Christ.”
He imagined Adam, ever the scientist. Ronan, ferocious and loyal and fragile. “Don’t break him, Adam.”
“I’m serious.” Now Gansey’s imagination had run ahead to imagine a future where Ronan might have to exist without him, without Declan, without Matthew, and with a freshly broken heart. “He’s not as tough as he seems.”
He was startled to realize that he longed to be done with the quest for Glendower. He wanted the rest of his life. Until this night, he hadn’t really thought that he believed that there was anything more to his life.
When Adam kissed him, it was every mile per hour Ronan had ever gone over the speed limit. It was every window-down, goose-bumps-on-skin, teeth-chattering-cold night drive. It was Adam’s ribs under Ronan’s hands and Adam’s mouth on his mouth, again and again and again. It was stubble on lips and Ronan having to stop, to get his breath, to restart his heart. They were both hungry animals, but Adam had been starving for longer.
They sprawled on the living room sofa and Adam studied the tattoo that covered Ronan’s back: all the sharp edges that hooked wondrously and fearfully into each other. “Unguibus et rostro,” Adam said. Ronan put Adam’s fingers to his mouth. He was never sleeping again.
His mouth remembered Ronan Lynch’s. What was he doing? Ronan was not something to be played with. He didn’t think he was playing.
“Parrish,” Ronan said. He eyed Adam. He was clearly taking nothing for granted.
He couldn’t tell if he was letting himself idolize this place or Ronan, and he wasn’t sure there was a difference.
When he opened his eyes, he saw that Ronan was looking at him, as he had been looking at him for months. Adam looked back, as he had been looking back for months.
The head is too wise. The heart is all fire.”
He did not say I can’t stand the idea of finding Gansey’s body, too. He did not say If I can’t save my old family, I can save my new one. He did not say I will not let the demon have everything.
Now it was every guilty breath sucked in after a sort-of lie. It was the drop of the stomach after finding a body. It was the gnawing suspicion that you were leavable, that you were too much trouble, that you were better off dead. It was the shame of wanting something you shouldn’t; it was the ugly thrill of nearly being dead. It was all of those things, all at once.
Leavable. I’m not asking him to stay, Ronan thought. Only to come back.
It was how he felt about Ronan and Adam and Noah and Blue. With each of them, it had felt instantly right: relieving. Finally, he’d thought, he’d found them. We instead of you and me.
He did not want to stand and show them his teary face and receive their pity; the idea of this well-meaning kindness was nearly as unbearable a thought as his approaching death. For the very first time, Gansey understood Adam Parrish perfectly.
The choice was death or hurting Adam, which wasn’t much of a choice at all.
All Adam cared about was his autonomy.
His head rested miserably on Ronan’s shoulder, everything shaking, standing only because Ronan did not allow him to sink.
Adam finally lifted his head. “Then you better cover my eyes.” Gansey looked puzzled. “What?” “Because,” Adam said bitterly, “otherwise they’ll betray you.”
all adam cares about is his autonomy. it only took me three rereads of this series to understand that was adam’s sacrifice. the fact that the demon took his hands and will take his eyes (taking advantage of his sacrifice). he was always afraid of SOMEONE taking his autonomy (gansey, his dad) and his growth as a person is tied into realizing accepting help as a product of love isn’t taking away his autonomy. although right after he realizes that his will is taken from him.
Wanting to live, but accepting death to save others: that was courage. That was to be Gansey’s greatness.
“Is it safe?” Gansey asked. “Safe as life,” Adam replied.
Because although Robert Parrish and Adam Parrish didn’t look alike at first glance, there was something introverted and turned-inward about Robert Parrish’s gaze that reminded Adam of himself. Something about the knit of the eyebrows was similar, too; the shape of the furrow between them was precisely the shape of the continued difference between what life was supposed to be and what life was actually like.
