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She never curses, being that she’s too ladylike, but I myself am afflicted with no such modesty.
“Now that is a man. My ovaries just fainted.” “Mine are doing the Macarena.”
I waved good-bye to Chloe. With all the grace of C-3PO,
In a freak of timing that was either an act of divine intervention, a cruel joke played by a spiteful universe, or a simple case of Karma,
I stood there awkwardly. Clearly I was not sweet baby Jesus, so his question didn’t require a response.
“Actually I have this condition where my blood pressure spikes when I’m near an overbearing asshole.”
“I had a stalker once. I didn’t like it.” “Did you call the police?” “I shot him.” There was a longer, even more deafening pause. “I’m kidding. I just had to move, and change my phone number.” “Just? That’s more than a just.” “Well, yeah. Which brings me back to my original question.”
If I had to decide on the top five most embarrassing moments of my life, today would account for at least four of them.
Thank you, Chloe. Who needs enemies with friends like you?
Chloe sounded proud of me. Of course she would be. If I decided to be a serial killer and went on a murderous rampage with a kitchen knife, she’d find some way to be supportive. She’d probably buy me a set of monogrammed cleavers.
“I think I’d rather have all my teeth pulled out with pliers. Without anesthesia.”
But I wasn’t on Nico’s level. I was boxing out of my class. If he was Mike Tyson, I was the guy who emptied the spit bucket. I just needed to understand.
“Sometimes, when things get really bad, I just remind myself that life is a boot camp. We all start out soft, weak. And then we’re tested. Over and over. It’s hard. It’s painful. At the end of it—if you survive, if you don’t give up—you’re tough. You’ve earned your stripes. And you get to graduate to the next level.”
In the words of the famous Japanese philosopher, Kenji, “Sweet baby Jesus, what did I do to deserve this shit?”
Grace squinted at the mariachi band. “So what you’re saying is I’m not getting to look at all this hot Latin ass naked?” She let out a ladylike belch. “This party sucks.”
“Needed to make you some better birthday memories, sweetheart. Needed you to know I’m a man who’s gonna take care of your heart.”
And when his buddies made fun of him, he just said you felt right. And that they could go fuck themselves.”
“Thank you, guys. So much. Just having you here makes me feel better.” Now please leave so I can take a shower and scrape the moss off my teeth before Superman flies in and mistakes me for a cave troll.
Grace winced, watching the action outside. “I think Barney just tasered someone.” I was horrified. “What? With a taser?” She answered drily, “No, with his cell phone. It’s a new Android app.”
“What’s more romantic, Kat? Fallin’ in love because you don’t know any better . . . or fallin’ in love, knowin’ it’s gonna ruin you, knowin’ it’s gonna rip out your fuckin’ heart and smash you into a million little pieces, but doin’ it anyway, because you’d rather pay the price and be ripped and smashed forever than never get a taste of it at all?”
“Never gonna forget a single day, baby. Good and bad, they all add up to the story of us. I’m gonna take every one and cherish it, come what may.”
Dumbfounded, I stared after them. “Jesus Christ. Where do you find women like that? The ninety-nine-cent section of hell?”
“What I am is yours. All yours, body and soul. And I can’t live without you. I don’t want to spend a single minute from this moment on without you. I sleep better with you. I feel better with you. Everything seems brighter when you’re around. I can’t imagine a future without you in it, and if that’s not me tellin’ you ‘I love you,’ I don’t know what would be.”
