Catch The Jew!: Eye-opening education - You will never look at Israel the same way again

by Tuvia Tenenbom

We have some great kebab and Arabic coffee, and when we’ve finished she takes me to the place where the 2.4 million euros are going to be spent. A hamam. A Turkish bath. Yes. Earlier I was told that the Israelis don’t allow Al-Quds University to paint over a little spot on the ceiling, yet they allow them to reconstruct a hamam for millions of euros. Either the Israelis are stupid or the Arabs are liars.

What is the truth? He shares it with me: the Israelis make sure that he, being a Palestinian, can’t own a house. I tell him that this is indeed horrible and I ask him to tell me more about himself. He takes a liking to me and he tells me. First and foremost, he proudly shares with me, he is not a man only of the mind but also a man of means: he owns a house in east Jerusalem, and he also owns another one in a place called Shuaffat.

Thanks to the generous funding of the EU, who sponsor almost everything here, I have learned two things today: the Israelis crucified Jesus and the Jews are brutal creatures.

Had this film been produced outside of Israel, many would have said the filmmaker was an anti-Semite, but this film is the creation of an Israeli, of a Jew. As the credit lines roll on the screen I notice that this film was given funding by companies from countries such as Germany and Switzerland. The face of a Jew, the pocket of the German: Who creates whom?

As customary at festivals, artists come to meet other artists and network. Standing near me is a director who is struggling to get funding for his next movie. I ask him why he doesn’t approach German or Swiss funders. Well, he says, this is not so easy. “If you want German or Swiss financing for your movie, you have to be critical of Israel and then they will sponsor you.”

The film is extremely boring, having no plot whatsoever. But the people around me, secular folks, are wet with pleasure. If this film represents the essence of the secular, I quietly say to myself, I’m happy I’m a religious Rugaleh.

My only dilemma is this: Where do I find the liveliest of people? This being Jerusalem, not New York nor Hamburg, I go to a cemetery to find the liveliest of all people. Mount of Olives.

One of these families is that of Tziporah and Rechavia Piltz, whose backyard is populated with the dead. My backyard is populated by cats, theirs by the dead. This family, quite alive, likes to have the dead as their neighbors. The only problem they have is with the living. Across the street from the cemetery there is a neighborhood of living people who happen to be Muslims, and the Muslims strongly feel that only dead Jews should be allowed in this area.

When Israeli forces moved out of Ramallah, I read somewhere, Christians made for 20 percent of the inhabitants. I bring this to her attention. How many Christians are here, 20 percent? “It went down from 20 percent to 1.5 or 2 percent for a variety of reasons.” Oops. This means that after Israel’s withdrawal it was the Muslims who kicked out the Christians, the truest Palestinians. The argument she has built against Israel is collapsing with one fell swoop. Yes, she spoke of a “variety of reasons,” but she did not elaborate. I start pushing. Why? “I don’t want to disc – ” She stops in mid-word. My professor is getting lost. “Is this the subject?” she mumbles, obviously irritated that I brought up this issue. This doesn’t look good, and she knows it, but quickly she regains her composure: “First of all, the occupation. Second of all, the low birth rate. Third of all, connections with families outside.” But most of them left, right?

“I guess so. In Ramallah you can say that.” Twenty percent to one and a half. In how many years? Hanan pauses. A worried expression shows on her face. She would prefer to talk about other issues, not this one.

In addition, she who blames Israel for all the ills in her society would not point one single accusing finger at the Muslims who chase away the Christians from this land. Hanan has this intellectual capacity to avoid facts, just like Professor Omar of Al-Quds University, only she’s more poetic in her language than he is.

Her hatred for Israelis is immense, like that of Dr. Ehab. Why Hanan Ashrawi’s office would introduce me to these two is a mystery to me. My guess is that this couple is regarded as “moderate” in the Palestinian society. If these are the moderates, I ask myself, who could the extremists be?

In addition to her settler expertise, she tells me that she’s also an expert on Judaism, which she classifies as a “pagan religion.” I ask her if she has ever studied Judaism, a question that makes her raise her voice in anger. For years and years and years, she yells at this offender of her high stature, she has been studying Judaism over and over and over. I light up a cigarette, inhale and exhale, look at her and ask her: Could you tell me, please, what the “Vision of Isaiah” is? That’s the most basic question one could ask and any student of Bible 101 could have answered this question in his sleep, but this learned lady has no clue. What vision? What Isaiah? I am befuddled by her lack of knowledge but everybody at this table asserts beyond doubt that I lack the mental capacity to understand higher concepts.

Luckily, there are cultured people in this land, too, with fourteen thousand years of culture, and they are not fanatic, they are tolerant. Provided, of course, you don’t light up on Ramadan.

There’s no point in arguing with a fanatic man, as there would be no point in arguing with an intellectual, intellectual just being a nicer word than fanatic.