All The Things I Never Said

by Mae Krell

I am trying, no. I am going. With this book, with my writing, with me, whoever that is, to seek a great perhaps, because that’s what we all try to do, and that’s what we all want.

he would run out and stand in the middle of the street so i would chase him and then complain because the rain was messing up my hair or my outfit and he would always say “That’s because you aren’t feeling the rain all you’re doing is getting wet”

Beauty Did you ever wonder why in animals hip bones collar bones and rib cages being visible are thought of as sickly ugly and sometimes even abusive yet, in humans that is what we call beautiful

Hopes And Dreams (For Allison) There are many things i hope for in life i hope that one day you will go and buy every dress you’ve ever wanted i hope that one day you’ll dance barefoot in wet grass and laugh i hope that one day you start to notice everything beautiful around you like flowers and small kittens i hope that one day you’ll go visit every small city and large country you want to and travel to your heart’s content i hope that one day you’ll stop worrying about all those things that are out of your control and one day i hope you decide to speak up for what you believe in and step out of your comfort zone i hope that one day you’ll fall in love with that one boy who you love even more than you love yourself and lastly i hope that one day you’ll forget all the pain you’ve endured and just learn to be happy

Those Nights And every night I am haunted by the fact that all these memories that mean the world to me you probably don’t even remember and how now I don’t matter to you at all

Definitions What is time? Is it the ticking clock hanging on the wall or is it the way the sun rises and sets on the horizon in summer is it the way a child grows over the course of seasons or is it the hourglass on my table counting the seconds until who knows when So when you said you wanted me to “give you time” i brought you the clock from my wall and i took you to watch the sun rise and set i showed you photos of a child growing and i brought you my hourglass instead of leaving it on my table to count the seconds until forever so now when you say to “give you time” what am i supposed to do? because i would cross oceans to bring you what you want i will do anything for you except leave your side So when you told me you needed to be alone i told you that was the one thing i could not do because without you my clock stops ticking and my seasons stop changing and the hourglass sitting on my table stops counting seconds because for me, without you there is no forever

but no matter how far away i am from you you will always be with me because well you’ve made your impact on me in a way no one else could have so, well thank you and goodbye and hopefully you won’t forget the color of my eyes or my smile and hopefully my memory will linger in your mind like the stars do when the dark rises but not drift away when night creeps out

Shoot What is more powerful a thought, or a gun? a gun gives the opportunity but a thought pulls the trigger

A Wilting Lie You gave me flowers and told me that as long as they live our love will too But those flowers are slowly wilting and you are not by my side. Just because these flowers are damaged and broken does not mean they are not alive These flowers are still alive and our love should be too but it is not and you are not here by my side so I guess you lied

Untitled 1 (about you) You are the kind of mystery that I would love to spend the rest of my life trying to unravel

But when you are alone at 3 in the morning everything you have ever tried to forget comes flooding back at once like a tsunami tide and all your demons collide and all you can hope for is that if you close your eyes it’ll all go away But when it doesn’t what do you do then? some people choose to overdose some to drink or to smoke and some take pills because it would be nice to sleep for a while a coma maybe or a long nap anything to escape. anything to get rid of these thoughts these feelings

Childhood Sayings They always say “you are what you eat” and then they wonder why I don’t eat at all

Four Twenty Two At 4:21 am I sit in my room and think about what it would be like to still be with you At 4:21 am I sit in my room and i think about what it would be like to be happy again At 4:21 am I sit in my room and I wonder what it’s like for your new girlfriend who wakes up every morning to that sweet sleepy voice of yours And I wonder what it’s like being your favorite mug that she always pours your coffee into the one that gets to kiss your lips every morning And really it’s not you that I miss even though it seems that way sometimes no it’s not you I miss it’s the memories we had and the fact that you actually cared about me and that I had someone to talk to at 4:21 am And now it’s 4:22 am and I have finally realized that I am alone

truth is, we all go mad sometimes and that small break into insanity is actually what keeps us sane.

For Katelyn and Tiffany You’re beautiful the words that slowly seep out of your light pale pink lips and your green eyes which are places perfectly on your flawless face so why is it that with all of this i’m still caught staring straight at your wrist at those rigid cuts and small bruises running up it I wonder what happened I wonder what your story is I wonder; if you knew how beautiful and talented and well, amazing you really are I wonder if you knew, would you still be doing this to yourself?

Gone She had only meant to go to sleep but the sea; it rocked her and in it’s waves she drowned in a sadness so sweet it engulfed her (4:22 am)

Words If your words cut as deep as my blade I would be dead by now and all of this would be less painful

Not Everything Can Be Hidden Some nice accessories makeup and a new outfit won't hide how abused i've been And a large house glass doors and a nice little garden can't hide how broken this family is Just because something has a nice expensive new looking exterior doesn't mean the interior isn't broken and bent Not everything can be hidden behind a pair of nice glass doors, you know. after all The doors are transparent and so are the people trying to hide behind them

Death In the Stars I kinda believe people die when their fire burns out, you know, that fire that kinda keeps you going. Stars too, all they are, are balls of fire and they take years and years and years to burn out. I think when someone dies, they turn into a star and they get a fire that hardly ever burns out, unlike the ones they had as humans.

I guess I think every person is assigned a star that shines on them and tries to help them keep their fire burning for as long they can before that person is ready to join them up there, as their own star.

My sea I am drowning In my own sea of sadness and I could save myself If I just stood up

Floating (For Tiffany) My knees are weak but my soul is determined and although I can’t walk my heart can fly and sit itself right down next to yours and our hearts can live happily together until our minds can meet

Days There are good days, and bad days. Today was not a good day, but honestly, today was not a bad day either. Today was a day. Simply a day, nothing more and nothing less. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day, or maybe it will be a bad day, who knows, and frankly, who cares? Today is today, so why would I spend my time worrying about tomorrow. If anything, I should worry about today. I can worry about tomorrow when it comes. Today is not a good day. And today is not a bad day. Today is a day. And I am completely okay with that.