Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

by Emily Nagoski

1. Make a Plan. Be concrete and specific, not abstract and vague. What precisely will you do that will help turn off the brakes? What past experiences do you have that tells you your strategy could work? When exactly will you connect sexually with yourself or your partner? Where will you be? What will you have done immediately before, and what will you do immediately after? What will you wear (or not wear)? Put simply: What sex is worth having, and what will you do to create it in your life? Concrete. Specific. Detailed. 2. Anticipate Barriers. A lot of people skip this step, and that’s a mistake. It’s easy to feel that simply having a plan should be enough. I don’t know if it should be, but I know that it almost never is, because as soon as you bump into an unanticipated barrier, your whole plan could collapse in on itself. You might think, “Well, it’s important to me, so I’ll find a way. I’ll just wing it if I hit an obstacle.” Great! I’m glad it’s important. In fact, don’t try it if it’s not important! And, at the same time, if just “finding a way” were enough, then you wouldn’t need to create change in the first place, you’d already have found your way. Anticipate barriers and make contingency plans.30 3. Connect It to Your Identity. Don’t just run, be a runner. Don’t just have sex, be a deliciously erotic woman who is curious and playful about sex. If you run because you have to or you feel like you’re supposed to, rather than because it’s part of who you are, you won...