Codependency For Dummies

by Darlene Lancer

Whether it’s a country, an organization, a

family, or a person, openness is a sign of health. This is because openness allows for freedom of expression, flow of information, flexibility, and adaptability, which prolong survival. Healthy families can weather crises because they are receptive to new ideas, talk about them, and adjust to the new circumstances. An open family is not afraid of outside influences and is often active in the community.

and having

If you had a parent who was hypercritical, continually advising, criticizing, and improving you, you’d internalize shame and low self-esteem and grow up to be hypercritical. You believe that you’re never enough — not doing enough, good enough, or accomplished enough to secure your parent’s love or that of a mate.

The more intimate you are with someone, the more essential honesty is to the health of the relationship.

Being more authentic helps grow your self-esteem. If you are hiding secrets in your relationships, there’s a good chance you’re repeating the rules in the family you grew up in. Usually the fear that the truth harms or destroys someone is really a camouflage for your fear that someone will withdraw or reject you. However, the effect of withholding the truth is what actually creates damage, hurt, and walls between you and others. Revealing facts is one level of truth. It’s more difficult to be open and honest with your feelings in the present (see Chapter 15 on intimacy). When you’re not, you confirm your belief that you have to hide who you are.

Love for your Self is healthy. The Bible says, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” You’re a human being as worthy of love as anyone else. Contrary to the idea that self-love is selfish and takes away from your ability to love others, the opposite is true. The greater is your love for yourself, the greater will be your ability to love others. Moreover, you only allow yourself to receive as much love as you give to yourself.

Love involves understanding, respect, acceptance, responsibility, and compassion. These virtues are not compartmentalized, but are experienced for your Self and for others. Love is not divisible. As you develop these aspects in yourself, your ability to love yourself and others grows.

Let everything just be for a few minutes. You don’t have to solve or do anything. Tell yourself, “At this moment, I’m safe.” Ask yourself, “What is the most loving thing I need right now?” Practice this every day.