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Even when you’re doing typical relaxing pastimes such as reading a newspaper, playing a game, or watching television, you’re not truly relaxed. They can cause stress, even competition, and don’t stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system in the way that letting go of mental activity does.
It takes practice to observe your thoughts dispassionately, which is very different from just thinking. One technique is to allow thoughts and feelings without stopping them. Let them run their course. The key is to remember to observe them.
Noticing that you’re thinking tends to minimize thoughts. Ask yourself — each time you remember — “Who is thinking?” See what happens.
Visualization may be helpful. Compare your thoughts to ripples in a pool of still water or clouds passing in a blue sky. Watch them float by without getting attached to the content.
If you get restless sitting, there are many forms of movement meditation, such as hatha yoga, t’ai chi, karate, qigong, aikido, Sufi dervish dances, Alexander movement, contact improvisation, authentic movement, and Continuum.
The Relaxation Response is a secular technique developed by Dr. Herbert Benson, a pioneer in body-mind research. It has been shown to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system and reduce stress, anxiety, depression, and anger. Benson developed it after studying experienced practitioners of Transcendental Meditation at Harvard University. Sit in a relaxed position and close your eyes. Starting at your toes and progressing to your face, relax each muscle, and keep them relaxed. Breathe normally through your nose and repeat “one” silently with each inhale and again with each exhale. Do not
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Nonattachment as used here differs from that in Buddhism. It involves three concepts: Having appropriate boundaries Accepting reality Being in the present, not the past or future
Think of letting go as stepping back from your personal needs to see the larger picture. Imagine the reality that both you and the other person are two separate people with diverging needs, genetics, life experiences, and perspectives, both whole and capable. It takes time for this intellectual understanding to seep into your heart until nonattachment becomes natural. It’s from this place of separateness that you can fully see yourself and others as the unique individuals that you and they are. This is honoring and loving them.
When off the emotional rollercoaster with someone else, your mind is at peace, regardless of how roiled up the other person is. You take back the power to control your mind, feelings, and self-esteem.
When you let go of responsibility for someone else, you’re no longer consumed with watching to see if he or she is meeting his or her responsibilities. You have that much more freedom and can live your life instead of living someone else’s. This allows you to develop yourself, and your career, hobbies, interests, and friends.
Nonattachment also allows both you and the other person to take responsibility for your own lives. Those whom you’ve been managing or controlling gain the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and to take responsibility for their choices. As a result, you both become more independent.
If you assume responsibility for your partner’s happiness, you’re enabling his or her dependence, irresponsibility, and childish behavior and depriving him or her of the opportunity to grow up and become independent. On the other hand, by taking responsibility to make yourself happy, you bring happiness to the relationship, and you’re able to interact with your partner from an openhearted place.
List each responsibility you assume for others who can manage that responsibility. If the person is a child or teenager, is he or she old enough to take over that responsibility or learn to take it over? Talk to those individuals about assuming responsibility for themselves. (Shared responsibilities, errands, and chores aren’t problems — unless there’s imbalance and you resent it.)
A wiser, loving course would be to listen to the person’s own ideas and offer encouragement and support, letting him or her know you have confidence in his or her ability to handle the matter and that he or she knows more about it than you.
If you’ve asked someone repeatedly to make a change and he or she doesn’t, it’s unreasonable that more requests, manipulation, or nagging will make a difference.
When you’re preoccupied with worry or obsession, ask yourself these questions: Am I in my head? Am I in the present? What am I feeling? What does my body need?
It’s important to realize that the addict didn’t choose to become addicted. It’s not a moral issue. Nothing you did caused it, nor can you control or change it. It doesn’t mean that the addict is a bad person or doesn’t love you. Addiction and codependency are considered diseases. Would you try to change someone’s behavior associated with diseases like tuberculosis or diabetes? Would you blame the person, or have compassion and learn all you could about the disease and how to best deal with it?
If you get interested in your own life, you won’t have time or energy to focus on someone else. Develop hobbies and goals that nurture and stimulate you (see Chapters 11 and 16). Doing so raises your self-esteem and separates it from someone else’s actions.
Live and let live: This is my favorite saying. Its meaning is very powerful. When you give yourself permission to do what you want, then you’re able to give others that freedom. It defines correct boundaries. You’re the only one over whom you have power, and only you are responsible for yourself. You discover that your actions create your happiness.
Mind your own business: This is another reminder to focus on yourself when you’re tempted to give advice or solve someone’s problem.
Let go and let God: You needn’t believe in God or a higher power to let go, but if you do, it can be extremely helpful to put your concerns in God’s hands and allow God’s will rather than your own to work out your problems. Imagine placing a person in God's hands. Encircle him or her in white light. Remind yourself that God knows what this person needs, and let go. You can also surround the person in light and release him or her, whether or not you believe in God. Another way of looking at letting go is allowing reality to take its course.
“lose your mind and come to your senses.” Do something physical. Take a walk, put on music, sing, dance, make a meal, play a sport or with a pet, or do anything that changes your mental state. Passive activities, like movies or television, may not engage you enough to shift you for very long.
Next time you’re reacting, imagine how you’d feel if your partner were just a friend. Are you more judgmental of your spouse than your friends? Why not be as forgiving of your mate? This trick can apply to other family members as well. What would it be like to treat your family the way you treat your friends, or expect family to treat you like your friends do? What’s the difference?
Q.T.I.P.: Quit taking it personally Q.T.I.P. is a reminder that emotional boundaries exist between you and others. Their words and actions emanate from what’s going on inside of them.
Always have a Plan B, so you’re never left in the lurch. In most situations, you can visit a friend, go alone to the movie, theater, or party, or go to a Twelve Step meeting. Even if you stay at home, instead of feeling angry and sorry for yourself, use the time to enjoy a hobby, catch up on reading, or make a special meal. Take charge of your life rather than feel like a victim.
Expect to feel guilty when you don’t help others as you have in the past. It may be very difficult to change this pattern. Yet it’s easier when you realize that your help isn’t helping but hurting in the long run. You also may feel empty, anxious, or depressed. At other times, you have glimpses of feeling centered, peaceful, free, and empowered. Serenity and freedom need some getting used to when you’re accustomed to feeling trapped and anxious.
Assertiveness means stating clearly and politely what you think, feel, need, or want. Most communication comes down to those four essentials. You can also explain why. The speaker’s intent is to communicate about him- or herself. Assertive communication is respectful, direct, honest, open, nonthreatening, and nondefensive. It’s not demanding, aggressive, rude, selfish, or manipulative.
When your words don’t match your insides, you’re sending a mixed message that your body reveals.
Eye contact is a learned habit and an important form of connecting in intimate relationships. Lack of eye contact signals low self-esteem. If this is a problem for you, practice looking around the person’s head, hair, or ears.
Your impact wanes with words. Your listener wants you to cut to the chase and hear your point. When you’re nervous or afraid and try to express yourself, you may make a disclaimer or beat around the bush to prevent your listener from getting upset, but that’s the unintended consequence. Sort out the reasons why you’re fearful, practice what you plan to say aloud, and weigh the long-term repercussions of saying nothing. Here are other reasons for wordiness: You’re talking to get attention. You’re needy and don’t know what you want. You have nothing to say but are trying to fill a silence.
Don’t ask questions, give hints, or speak abstractly. Don’t say, “Do you want to go to a movie?” which is ambiguous as to whether you want to go. Take a position (taking positions is explained later in this chapter) and say, “I’d like to see (name it, or) an action movie.” Also don’t assume things. People attribute different meanings to the same words. When the other speaker is indirect or unclear, ask for clarification. Restate what you heard and ask for more information.
Timing is critical. Don’t start an important conversation in the car or when the other person is watching TV, on the computer, or is otherwise occupied, without permission. You’re being impolite and interrupting the person’s attention. You’re setting yourself up for an argument and will be disappointed that you’re not being heard.
Many people think it’s pointless to express themselves if the other person wouldn’t agree or accept their position. That is not the purpose of speaking up. You’re doing it for you to change your submissive behavior, not to change someone else’s opinions. When you speak up, you feel better about yourself and the relationship just for having expressed yourself. As your self-esteem grows, you’re more comfortable with differing beliefs and opinions.
When you’re not sure whether you owe an apology, you can always say, “I’ll think about what you’ve said to me.” This makes the other person feel heard and taken seriously, which is more helpful than an empty apology. A true apology is heartfelt, with understanding of both your behavior and its impact on someone else.
Early in recovery, it’s exceedingly hard to take responsibility for your feelings and actions, and just say, “You’re right,” or the opposite, “No, I don’t see it that way.” Period! Notice if you use language such as, “I was just . . .,” or “I only meant . . . . ” These along with other explanations and justifications convey guilt and low self-esteem and provide the other person ammunition to continue arguing. Explaining yourself gives someone else the right to judge your motives and what’s best for you. Do you really mean to do that? Remember from Chapter 9 that you’re entitled to your
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Codependents change the subject to avoid confrontations or revealing themselves. It’s better to directly respond and set a boundary, stating, “I’d rather not discuss that.” Again, no justification is required, only that you don’t want to talk about it.
Codependents have a hard time finding and holding their position under pressure. When you’re unsure, take time to gather your thoughts and feelings by yourself. Say, “Let me think about it,” or “I’ll get back to you on that.”
“No” is a complete sentence. You needn’t justify or explain your feelings and thoughts. If questioned, use the broken-record technique and keep repeating, “I’m not comfortable with it.”
You don’t have to answer every question asked you. You can say, “I’d rather not answer that,” or “I don’t want to discuss it.” You may find answering all questions is a compulsive habit that is hard to break. Most people feel like interrogated children. Use the broken-record technique and repeat your statement.
You have a right to change your mind without further explanation.
Notice whether you continue talking when the other person has tuned out. If this is the case, stop and ask when would be a good time to continue the conversation. You can also say, “I think I lost your attention.”
Boundaries indicate respect for others and for you. They aren’t meant to punish. Setting boundaries shows that you’re taking responsibility for, caring for, and protecting yourself. Don’t advise or tell others what to do and don’t let them tell you. Don’t blame them and don’t let them blame you. Respect others’ bodies, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and material things, and require that they respect yours.
An indication that you may need to set limits is that you’re feeling frightened, smothered, angry, low self-esteem, depressed, or resentful. Either someone may have violated your boundaries or you have given too much and feel used or taken for granted. Fear or anger means you may need to take an action to protect yourself or correct something. You may need to set limits with yourself — for example, to work more or less, spend less time on the phone, or stop volunteering your time and energy. When you’re tempted to blame someone else, ask yourself whether you need to set a boundary concerning
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Do these things: Practice saying “No,” once a day for a week. Remember that it is a complete sentence. Practice not answering questions.
You don’t need to explain or justify. Expect to receive pressure in some cases and repeated requests, in which case, the person is then not listening and ignoring you. Repeat yourself, if necessary. You may need to be prepared to set a second boundary about being nagged, such as, “I’m not willing to discuss this further.”
Abuse is a manipulative tactic used to carry out the abuser’s intent to control you and evade meaningful conversation. Notice the abuser’s defenses — how he or she parries your attempts to communicate and puts everything back on you to deflect responsibility. When you focus on the content, you fall into the trap of trying to respond rationally, denying accusations, and explaining yourself. You lose your power. The abuser has won and avoided responsibility for the verbal abuse. You must first address the abuse.
Join a Twelve Step program and/or get counseling to help you both raise your self-esteem and deal with an abuser. It usually takes the support and validation of a group, therapist, or counselor to be able to stand up to abuse consistently. Without it, you may doubt your reality, feel guilty, and fear reprisal or loss of the relationship.
Rather than giving an ultimatum about verbal abuse in general, I believe it’s preferable to practice reacting differently and then set limits each time verbal abuse occurs. Avoid defending or explaining yourself, which fuels abuse.
If these tactics don’t work, you may want to confront the abuser and set a boundary directly. When you’re ready, be direct and firm with statements, such as, “Stop it,” “Don’t talk to me that way,” “Don’t call me names,” “Don’t raise your voice at me,” “Don’t use that tone with me,” or “I don’t respond to orders.
Setting boundaries with others may make you feel anxious and guilty. When you take an emotional risk, it’s normal to have anxiety about what may happen or self-criticism about what you said or should have said. This is the old you who’s terrified because you’re challenging old rules. It fears retaliation or abandonment. These feelings pass, and each time you set a boundary, it gets easier. If you allow feelings to stop you, you continue to feel powerless and resentful, which undermine the relationship and your self-respect.
