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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Jim Dethmer
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February 3, 2020 - January 2, 2023
In To Me and By Me, the “me” is central. In Through Me, the “me” begins to recede in surrender to the other, and in As Me, “me” doesn’t exist at all.
THE FOUR WAYS OF BEING MODEL
Blame is a powerful motivator. Like its cousins guilt and shame, it is one of the most common forms of motivation used by leaders, parents, politicians, and clergy.
Depending on how people are wired, they blame either someone else, themselves, or the system.
Blame, shame, and guilt all come from the same source: TOXIC FEAR.
When things don’t go the way we think they should
the natural human reaction is to be...
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Once fear kicks in, a common defense mechanism is to blame someone, something, or ourselves so we can keep our se...
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Victims see themselves as “at the effect of.” “It” is being done “to them” by someone or something out of their control. Typically they complain, either overtly or covertly, subtly or loudly, that “this isn’t fair.” Underneath all their words and actions is a tone of whining. Villains find fault and place blame. Sometimes they point the finger at a person, at themselves, or at the meta-cause, but they deal with fear by looking for who’s to blame. Heroes hate conflict, pain, and tension and seek to temporarily relieve their discomfort without really dealing with the issue. They habitually over
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leaders typically use five levels of motivation: Toxic fear: blame, shame, and guilt Extrinsic motivation: money, title, the corner office, and other perks Intrinsic motivation: learning, fulfilling purpose, and autonomy Play, creativity, and expressing our “genius” in the world Love Levels one and two always leave a negative residue, whereas levels three through five don’t. Great
Commitment 1: I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances of my life and for my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. I commit to supporting others to take full responsibility for their lives.
The key phrase is “taking full responsibility”—as opposed to “placing blame.” “Placing” is moving something away from ourselves, and “taking” is moving something toward ourselves.
Psychologists refer to this as the “locus of control.”
self-blame is equally as toxic as blaming others, or circumstances, and it is NOT taking responsibility.
All drama in leadership and life is caused by the need to be right.
COMMITMENT TWO Learning Through Curiosity I commit to growing in self-awareness. I commit to regarding every interaction as an opportunity to learn. I commit to curiosity as a path to rapid learning.
Current research on leadership shows that over the course of our career, four competencies trump all others as the greatest predictors of sustained success: self-awareness, learning agility, communication, and influence.
The last two deal with how leaders interact with their world, and the first two address leaders’ internal relationship to “reality.”
When we go below the line, the ego is fighting for survival and we become firmly entrenched in the scarcity belief: that there isn’t enough—not enough love, time, money, energy, security, control, and approval.
