Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverts

by Susan Cain

1. A quiet temperament is a hidden superpower. 2. There’s a word for “people who are in their heads too much”: thinkers. 3. Most great ideas spring from solitude. 4. You can stretch like a rubber band. You can do anything an extrovert can do, including stepping into the spotlight. There will always be time for quiet later. 5. But even though you’ll need to stretch on occasion, you should return to your true self when you’re done. 6. Two or three close friends mean more than a hundred acquaintances (though acquaintances are great too). 7. Introverts and extroverts are yin and yang—we love and need each other. 8. It’s okay to cross the hallway to avoid small talk. 9. You don’t need to be a cheerleader to lead. Just ask Mahatma Gandhi. 10. Speaking of Gandhi, he said: “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.”

Being an introvert is about having a deep inner life, and considering that inner life to be important.

I prefer spending time with one or two friends instead of a group. I’d rather express my ideas in writing. I enjoy being alone. I prefer deep conversations to small talk. My friends tell me that I’m a good listener. I prefer small classes to large ones. I avoid conflicts. I don’t like showing people my work until it’s perfect. I work best on my own. I don’t like being called on in class. I feel drained after hanging out with friends, even when I have fun. I’d rather celebrate my birthday with a few friends and family, instead of having a huge party. I don’t mind big independent projects at school. I spend lots of time in my room. I’m usually not a big risk taker. I can dive into a project, practice a sport or instrument, or engage in something creative for hours at a time, without getting bored. I tend to think before I speak. I’d rather text or e-mail than talk on the phone with someone I don’t know very well. I don’t feel totally comfortable being the center of attention. I usually like asking questions more than I like answering them. People often describe me as soft-spoken or shy. If I had to choose, I’d prefer a weekend with absolutely nothing to do to one with too many things scheduled.

Validation from those around you—online or in person—feels good, but the most important validation comes from your very own self.

What do I mean by “reactivity to stimulation”? Well, most psychologists agree that introversion and extroversion are among the most important personality traits shaping human experience—and that this is true of people all over the world, regardless of their culture or the language they speak. This means that introversion is also one of the most researched personality traits. We’re learning fascinating things about it every day. We now know, for example, that introverts and extroverts generally have different nervous systems. Introverts’ nervous systems react more intensely than extroverts’ to social situations as well as to sensory experiences. Extroverts’ nervous systems don’t react as much, which means that they crave stimulation, such as brighter lights and louder sounds, to feel alive. When they’re not getting enough stimulation, they may start to feel bored and antsy. They naturally prefer a more gregarious, or chatty, style of socializing. They need to be around people, and they thrive on the energy of crowds. They’re more likely to crank up speakers, chase adrenaline-pumping adventures, or thrust their hands up and volunteer to go first.

We introverts, on the other hand, react more—sometimes much, much more—to stimulating environments such as noisy school cafeterias. This means that we tend to feel most relaxed and energized when we’re in quieter settings—not necessarily alone, but often with smaller numbers of friends or family we know well.

We simply feel the effects of taste, sound, and social life a little more intensely than our extroverted counterparts.

Other experiments have yielded similar results. The psychologist Russell Geen gave introverts and extroverts math problems to solve, with varying levels of background noise playing as they worked. He found that the introverts performed better when the background noise was quieter, while the extroverts did fine with the louder sounds.

Don’t let anyone tell you that introverts are antisocial—we are just differently social.

Not everyone will understand your nature, though, even if you try to explain it. When Robby, a teenager from New Hampshire, first learned about introversion, he felt a great sense of relief. He had a tendency to turn quiet in large groups, and although he’d always felt comfortable talking and joking with his closest friends, he had a limit. “After a couple of hours I’m like, ‘Whoa, I can’t do this.’ It’s draining. There’s a wall that goes up and I don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s not physical exhaustion. It’s mental exhaustion.”

Fear is a powerful enemy, but passion is an even stronger friend.

Some of the comments above have to do with perfectionism, which many introverts suffer from and which is a double-edged sword: It keeps your work at a high quality, but often prevents you from getting your ideas out there at all, since pretty much nothing anyone does or says is ever perfect.

Another famous study by Jim Collins found that every single one of the eleven best performing companies in the U.S. were led by CEOs who were described by their peers as “modest,” “unassuming,” “soft-spoken,” “quiet,” and “shy.” This isn’t as surprising as you’d think. Introverts tend to assume leadership positions within groups when they really have something to contribute. Then, once they’re there, they listen carefully to the ideas of the people they lead. All of this gives them a big advantage over leaders who rise to the top simply because they’re comfortable talking a lot or being in control.

The most effective leaders are not motivated by a desire to control events or to be in the spotlight. They are motivated by the desire to advance ideas and new ways of looking at the world, or to improve the situation of a group of people. These motivations belong to introverts and extroverts alike. You can achieve these same goals—you can be inspiring and motivational—without compromising your quiet ways.

As you read the tips below, keep in mind the words of Sir Winston Churchill, who was prime minister of Great Britain throughout World War II: “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

Unfortunately, this sort of abusive relationship is common in middle school, particularly among girls. This is a generalization and not an out-and-out rule, but often boys work out their differences through physical fights or contests, battling with their fists or on the playing field. Girls more often resort to something called relational aggression. Some girls use their relationships with other girls as weapons to intimidate and belittle these supposed friends, all in the name of power and popularity. The writer Rachel Simmons brilliantly chronicles this epidemic in her book Odd Girl Out, citing numerous cases of kids who were hurt deeply by this form of bullying.

Relational aggression is particularly powerful when used against quiet kids, both boys and girls. Often, introverted kids worry that they won’t be able to make new friends, so they hold on to abusive relationships as long as possible. They often remain in confidence-shattering cliques out of fear of the unknown, reasoning that a bad friend is better than no friend at all.

Walking away from mean or bullying friends takes a tremendous amount of guts—but believe me, you are capable of it.

You deserve to be around people who make you feel relaxed and yourself—whether you’re feeling happy or sad.

JOIN A GROUP: This advice may sound counterintuitive to a quiet person. But a team, club, or extracurricular activity can be a great way to build new friendships. This is especially true if the group is organized around a topic that truly interests and even excites you. You’ll spend time with people who share your interest, and there’s less pressure to make a great first impression. “When you’re joining a class or a group that you’re going to attend regularly, you’ll be able to make friends more easily,” says Jared, an introverted boy from California. “You can get to know each

This can be hard to believe when you’re first discovering how you fit into the social world, but take my word for it—as long as you have friends you enjoy, it doesn’t matter how many of them there are.

As he grew older, his preference for these intimate gatherings had an unexpected effect. In college, if someone invited him to a big party, Davis would decline, but he’d quickly suggest something else instead. He would invite the person to meet for coffee the next day or to join him at the art gallery to check out a new exhibit. In doing so, he was making it clear that it was the party that turned him off, not the person. Usually the person accepted his invitation, and these more intimate outings didn’t only appeal to other introverts. He found that his more outgoing classmates, the ones who relished the parties he tried to avoid, also enjoyed chilling out one-on-one. It was a refreshing change from the way they usually hung out with their friends.

Stretching like a rubber band is important, but remember that we all have our limits and need to protect ourselves.

Alcohol and pot are downers anyway, which means that the euphoria they create can quickly give way to depression and anxiety. I hate to sound preachy, but here’s the truth: Not only are these solutions unhealthy, they’re also temporary. The high will wear off and you’ll go back to your usual self. The most sustainable solution is to get better and better at being who you already are, and to learn what situations make you the most comfortable and how to find comfort in situations that aren’t ideal.

Robby was determined to become that confident, witty person he imitated so easily online. Being part of a band and gaining confidence from playing in front of people was a huge help. But he also counted a job at the supermarket as an important step. The summer before his senior year of high school, he landed a job as a cashier at the local market. The small talk he had to make with customers all day gave him confidence. “I had these insignificant conversations a hundred times a day. Before, I was so incredibly uncomfortable with that, but not anymore.” To Robby, this experience was a testament to the power of repetition. “You’re not going to become more confident just through willpower. Practice is important.”

When you read Wozniak’s account of his work process on that first PC, the most striking thing is that he was always by himself. He did most of the work inside his cubicle at Hewlett-Packard. He’d arrive around 6:30 a.m. and, alone in the early morning, read engineering magazines, study chip manuals, and prepare designs in his head. After work, he’d go home, make a quick meal, then drive back to the office and work late into the night. For him, this period of quiet nights and solitary sunrises was an amazing and energetic time. His efforts paid off on the night of June 29, 1975 at around 10:00 p.m., when Woz finished building a prototype of his machine. He hit a few keys on the keyboard—and letters appeared on the screen in front of him. It was the sort of breakthrough moment that most of us can only dream of. And he was alone when it happened. At a moment like that, many people would want to celebrate with their friends, but Woz preferred solitude. His invention changed the technological world, and by partnering with an extrovert who wanted to create a company around Woz’s brilliant invention, it made its way into the public eye. There would be no Apple without Steve Jobs, as we all know—but there would also be no Apple without Steve Wozniak.

A few years ago, a psychologist named Avril Thorne set up an experiment to explore the social interactions between introverts and extroverts. Thorne was looking in particular at how the two groups connected on the phone. The experiment brought together fifty-two young women—half were introverted, half extroverted—and paired them in conversations. Many people assume introverts are quiet all the time, but the study revealed that they talk just as much as their personality opposites. (Any one of my high school friends could tell you this, as we talked for hours on the phone—that’s what kids did back then—each night.) In the experiment, when introverts talked to other introverts, they tended to focus on one or a few deep or profound subjects. When extroverts were matched up with other extroverts, on the other hand, they tended to gloss over a whole range of topics, without digging too deeply into one particular subject. The really interesting results popped up when introverts and extroverts were paired together. Both groups reported that these conversations were the most enjoyable. People preferred talking to their opposites. The introverts found that talking to someone chattier made the conversation a little more lighthearted and fun. The extroverted women in the group said they found the conversations more serious and deep. In effect, the women ended up meeting halfway, and finding the right mix of lighthearted chatter and deep conversation.

You’ve probably noticed already that your personal interests keep growing through the years—and that creativity comes in many forms. It can express itself through drawing or composing music, through writing code or brainstorming ideas for a new app or entrepreneurial idea. Or through many other media besides. Creativity is limitless.

“Writing is something you do alone,” says bestselling author John Green. “It’s a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don’t want to make eye contact while doing it.”

Introverts have a remarkable ability to be independent. We find strength in solitude, and are capable of using our precious alone time to focus and concentrate. A sports commentator once referred to this as “the lonely work” that needs to be completed in order to master a skill. Psychologists call it by another name: “deliberate practice.” In simple terms, it means practicing something over and over again, always focusing on the skill that’s just out of reach, until you get it exactly right.

Introverts like us are sometimes so deep in our heads that escaping into our bodies can be a welcome and healthy change of pace. Exercising and sweating are great ways to release social anxiety and frustration and to promote mental well-being. That’s because exercising releases endorphins. Endorphins are chemicals that our brains produce in response to certain kinds of stimulation. They can block feelings of pain, and also enhance feelings of joy. And athletics aren’t all about rowdy cheers or team spirit—solo sports such as running, swimming, and fencing are a great way for introverts to release energy and taste a piece of that euphoria.

During his junior year, he worked with a West Point psychologist who helped athletes improve their performances. He was surprised to realize how fascinating psychology could be. There was so much to learn about the power of positive thinking, the importance of setting goals, and how to stay calm and play well under pressure. What truly caught Jeff’s attention was a technique called visualization. This required quiet focus and imagination: In his head, Jeff would play a mental video of what he hoped would happen on the field. When he was in the psychologist’s office, he would watch highlight reels of his own games and imagine himself making his best plays again. Prior to big games, Jeff and his assistant coach would watch videos of the team’s opponents to better understand how they played. Jeff looked for holes in their defensive schemes, or bad tendencies on the part of the players, then imagined himself exploiting them, rushing past them for a goal or an easy assist to a teammate. Then, right before the games, while some of his teammates were yelling or shouting to get themselves ready, Jeff would quietly put on his headphones, sit by himself, and start visualizing. He’d recall those old highlight reels, and in his mind he’d run through the opponents’ defense, making play after play. Those last two years of Jeff’s college career, when he’d mastered visualization, were his best ones as an athlete. He was twice named to the All-American team and he broke the West Point reco...

Similarly, the soccer stars Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are both known for working harder than everyone else, using the principles of deliberate practice to make their games better and better.

Of course, there’s also a downside to being an introverted athlete, observes sports psychologist Alan Goldberg. Introverts often have a tendency to overthink what they’re doing, Goldberg says, and to be harder on themselves when they make a mistake or miss a goal.

extroverts experience a slightly more intense kick. The human brain has a kind of built-in reward system, a network of pathways that send signals back and forth, through a chemical called dopamine, to boost our excitement when something good happens. Scientists say that dopamine pathways appear to be more active in the brains of extroverts.

In one study, researchers looked at introverts and extroverts who won gambling contests, and the extroverted winners had more activity in the reward areas of their brains than the introverted victors. I’m sure the introverts loved winning too. But the evidence suggests that their brains’ reward networks were just a little less activated, so they felt a bit more mellow about the experience. Other studies have found that extroverts drive more rashly and get into more car accidents than introverts do!

DON’T LET FEAR BE A THIEF

Not all adventures have historical or technological impact, and they don’t have to. For example, Rita, a once-shy girl in Indiana, spent a year abroad in Ecuador during her sophomore year of high school. There she befriended local kids, learned salsa dancing, and adjusted to a culture that felt warmer, friendlier, and louder than what she was used to. After she returned home, she gave a speech about the study abroad program to encourage other young people to travel as she had. Rita was nervous about speaking in front of everyone, but she believed in her message. Although the adults who ran the exchange program had imagined that extroverted kids would fare better abroad, Rita spoke about how being introverted was actually an enormous advantage. Since she was so comfortable listening—really listening—to what people had to say, she formed close friendships with both her host family adults and the kids in her school. Yes, she wore an extroverted mask at times, but Rita didn’t feel that she had changed. “I didn’t become less introverted,” she says. “I just became less shy.” Her high school also asked her to give a speech about her experience. This time, she’d have to speak in front of hundreds of people. Public speaking terrified Rita, but she reasoned that if she could adventure across the world to a place where she didn’t speak the language or know anyone and come back speaking Spanish and having made deep new friendships—well, then she could give a quick public speech. She a...

PURSUE YOUR PASSION: The adventurous introverts in this chapter were all so interested in something that they couldn’t resist the pull to explore it. Pay attention to what makes you curious, and let it lead you in a direction that might provide a life-changing experience.

RECHARGE: No matter how adventurous you are, you’re still going to need that time to yourself to recharge your mental batteries. Take Jenny, the swimmer, who also traveled to Japan for several weeks to study the culture. Her host family didn’t understand her need to be alone, but she insisted, and they ended up granting her a small block of time after school each day to sit quietly by herself. It made all the difference.

Based on his own experiences, Brian Little came up with a new theory of psychology, known as “Free Trait Theory,” to demonstrate this truth. According to Free Trait Theory, we are born with certain personality traits, but we can also adopt new ones when we really need them, in the service of our “core personal projects.” So, extroverts aren’t the only ones who can turn on the charm onstage. And introverts aren’t the only ones who can sit quietly and devour articles online, or spend hours alone practicing an instrument.

Let’s go back to Hermione Granger, the extroverted character played by introverted Emma Watson. Hermione’s urgent need to talk in class in the Harry Potter novels seems to contrast with her ability to swallow up books, but when she’s studying, she’s exemplifying Free Trait Theory. Driven by a passion for knowledge, she sits by herself and reads voraciously. Little’s theory applies to all of us, and it says that we can take on opposite traits when we’re so inspired.

SLOWLY BUILD THE PRESSURE: Start practicing by yourself first, then graduate to a few friends or family members. Each time, ask yourself how anxious you are on a scale of 1 to 10. You should be practicing in the 4 to 6 range, not the 7 to 10 range. If that means testing your speech in front of a stuffed animal instead of a group of people, that’s just fine.

In another famous study, introverts and extroverts were asked to play a difficult word game while wearing headphones that emitted random bursts of noise. When the participants in the study were allowed to choose the volume of those noises, the introverts opted for a lower decibel level than the extroverts. Both groups performed well. (This reinforces the idea that neither personality type is better or smarter. We’re just different and sensitive to different things.) Yet when the volume on the introverts’ headsets was turned up, and that of the extroverts’ lowered, both groups performed worse than they had previously. This suggests that we all have our own ideal level of stimulation, a kind of sweet spot that combines the right music, the perfect volume, even the ideal lighting, temperature, and crowd. And when we find that sweet spot, we can be mentally sharper and potentially happier.

The process of researching this book, and hearing the stories of so many young people, has only affirmed my belief in the importance of self-awareness. Whether

This is a book for and about young readers, but I suspect that some parents may skim these pages as well. The school years can be challenging for introverts—and for their parents too. The most important advice I can offer is to help your quiet children to draw on their own natural strengths—as listeners, observers, thinkers, and quietly determined doers. It’s our role as parents to help our children grow, and to explore their limits, while also making sure to honor, and take delight, in who they actually are. As Eleanor, the mother of an introverted teen boy, puts it: “It’s more important for introverted kids to show that you’re on their team. They need more team members than the normal teens—people who really know them.”